Sherry goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having sex with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Two cannibals are sitting down to eat a guy they had just killed, and they are discussing who gets to eat what. They decide one of them will start at the mans head, and the other at his toes. So, theyre eating away and one cannibal says to the other, "Hey man, this guy is delicious, isn't this great?" The other cannibal says, "Yes, this is excellent, I am having a ball!" The first cannibal yells back, "Slow down! You're eating too fast!"
Q: Why did the blonde have a bruised belly button?
A: Her boyfriend is blonde, too.
A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's O.K. The drunk replies by asking, "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says, "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The stranger is skeptical, but the drunk says, "I can prove it. Come with me." They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christyou here again?"
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight." "I know, I know," said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."
A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." "What did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Yesterday, I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men having sex." "Oh, so you were the jerk with the flashlight."
Two friends are discussing politics on election day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides. Finally, one says to the other, "Look, it's clear were unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will cancel each other outso why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?'' The other agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, "That was a sporting offer you made." "Not really," says the second. This is the third time I've done this today."
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: The golfer goes, "(Whack) Oh, darn!" The skydiver goes, "Oh, darn (whack)."
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
Little Mary was out with her grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs having sex on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" "How do you mean?" asked the grandmother. "Offer someone a helping hand," said Mary, "and they screw you every time!"
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of themgiant stuffed animals were on top of the bookshelf, medium-sized stuffed animals were stored in the middle of the bookshelf and lots of smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf. After they had sex, the man asked, "So, how did I do?" "Well," she said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Susan had a hard time meeting men and finally decided to place a personal ad in the local newspaper. She wrote, "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me and whos excellent in bed." Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day, she heard a knock on the door. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. "Can I help you?" she asked. He said, "I am the man of your dreams!" She was baffled. She said, "Excuse me." "I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you." "But are you good in bed?" she asked. He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?"
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "hide in the closet!" She bundled him in the closet starknaked. The husband soon became suspicious, and after a search of the bedroom, discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" insisted the husband. "I'm an inspector from Orkin," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," explained the man. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
There was an earthquake at a retreat for priestsit was leveled. All 50 priests were transported to heaven at the one time. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?" Forty-nine hands went up. "Right!" said Saint Peter. "You 49 can go down to Purgatory. Oh, and take that deaf bastard with you!"
NO YOU'RE NOT
"First," said the confident young stud, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh, no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks," said the persistent bachelor. "Oh, no you're not," the girl exclaimed. "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks" said the stud. "Oh, no you're not," she insisted. "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you," he said. "Oh, no you're not," she said firmly. "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh, yes you are!" said the girl.
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