Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties. The saleslady talked her into buying a real nice, bright red pair of crotchless panties. Grandma put them on and waited for Grandpa to come home. When Grandpa came home, Grandma was all laid out on the bed. She pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on and said, "Come on Grandpa, you want some of this?" Grandpa said, "Hell no, woman. Look what it did to your drawers!"
Two Dutch girls are riding their old bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As the sun starts to go down, the increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little nervous. Finally, one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."
SKIRTING THE LAW
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "Two Prostitutes, $50." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "Jesus Saves." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So, they took their sign down and the next day there they were driving around town with a new sign which read, "Two Angels Seeking Peter, $50."
One day, a highway patrolman pulled a car over for speeding. When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to do a show that night and didn't want to be late. The patrolman told the driver he was fascinated by jugglingif the driver would do a little juggling for him, the patrolman promised not to give him a ticket. The juggler told him he had sent all his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The patrolman told him he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled up behind the patrol car. A drunk got out, looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in. The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "Just go on and take me to jail. There's no way in the world that I can pass that test."
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband. The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
FILL 'ER UP
There was this gas station in redneck country trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a redneck customer pulled in, filled his tank and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from one to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed eightthe proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was seven. Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time." Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed two this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was three. You were close but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex." The buddy replied, "No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big boobs." The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?" Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm, "but is this stool taken?"
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. Im sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" He says, "Put it between your legs." She says, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."
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