Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her as an altar boy.
A guy and his talking dog, Rover, went to a bar. The bartender says, "We don't allow dogs in here." The guy says, "You don't understand, my dog talks." The bartender says "Prove it and I'll let him stay." The guy says, "O.K., Rover, tell the bartender you want a beer." Rover says, "I want a beer." The bartender says, "No way, you must be a ventriloquist." The guy says, "All right, I'll go to the bathroom and you ask him." The bartender says, "Well, what can I get you?" Rover replies, "I want a beer." The bartender can't believe it. He reaches in his wallet, pulls out a ten-dollar bill and tells Rover, "It's yours if you go to the bar across the street and say the same thing." The guy comes out of the bathroom and can't believe his dog is gone. He says, "What have you done with my dog?" The bartender says "Don't worry, I sent him across the street to the other bar." Furious, the guy runs out of the bar to see Rover having sex with a sexy poodle on the street corner. The guy says, "Rover, Rover! What are you doing? I've never seen you do this before." Rover says, "I've never had ten bucks before!"
Donna, who had eight children, happened to run across a childhood friend on a street corner. "Nancy," she asked, "why do you have no children?" "I practice preventive measures," was the answer. "Preventive measures? What's that?" asked Donna. "Well," said Nancy, "I use two saucers and a box. My husband's shorter than I am and we like to have sex standing up. When he gets excited, I pull up my dress and put two saucers on the table. He stands on the box away we go." "So where does all this get you?" asked Donna, confused. "That's when I watch him very closely. When his eyes get as big as those two saucers, I kick the box out from under him."
HIGH TECH WATCH
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" the woman asks. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, I have some bad newsthe donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I spent it already." Kenny said, "OK, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?" Kenny replied, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can," said Kenny. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898." The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny said, "Just the guy who wonso I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
A bosomy blonde was trying on an extremely low-cut dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too low-cut. "Do you have hair on your chest?" the saleswoman asked. "No!" "Then," the saleswoman said, "it's too low-cut."
Q. How do you identify a bald eagle?
A. All of his feathers are combed to one side.
A reporter was interviewing a remarkable man, who at 65 had just run the Boston Marathon. "Oh, it's nothing really, compared to what my father just did," the runner told him. "He's 90 and he just swam the English Channel. Right now he's in Arkansas being best man at my grandfather's wedding. Grandpa is 114." "That's absolutely amazing," the reporter said. "You're 65 and a marathon runner. Your 90-year-old dad just swam the English Channel. And now your grandfather, who's 114, wants to get married." "That's not quite right," the runner said. "Grandpa doesn't want to get married. He has to!"
A woman is crossing the road when she gets run over. She is lying on the ground as the driver rushes out of the car to her. "Are you all right?" he asks her. "Everything is just a blur, I can't see anything," she says. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up?" he asks. "Oh, no!" she replies, "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down, too!"
In New York, a young woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Rod and Todd, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets. One day, Rod calls Todd and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars." Todd replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you..." Rod interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollarsyes or no." Todd says, "O.K., I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?" Rod answers, "Eleven years."
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