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NOISE AT THE DOOR
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, at about 3:00 a.m., she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk, trying to navigate the stairs. "Do you realize what time it is?" she said. He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house." Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said, "What did you buy for the house, dear?" His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

CONFUSED
Q. Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
A. They have to pull their own pants down.

GOOD NEWS
A guy goes to the doctor after several days of feeling lousy. The doctor runs all kinds of tests and returns with the results. "O.K.," says the doctor, "I have good news and bad news." "Give me the bad news first," says the patient. "Well, you have terminal cancer. I give you three weeks to live." The man, shocked and distraught, replies, "Oh my God—what's the good news?" The doctor says, "See my beautiful receptionist—the one with the gorgeous body? I'm sleeping with her."

DISNEYLAND
Q: What do Viagra and Disneyland attractions have in common?
A: You wait three hours for a five-minute ride.

MARKET RESEARCH
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, a guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife. "Hello," he starts," I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?" "Yes," says the woman. "My husband and I use it during sex." The researcher is taken aback. "Well, I admire your honesty," he stammers. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" The young housewife replies, "Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in."

UPSET WIFE
If you upset your wife she nags you. If you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

SOGGY CHEATER
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God, hurry, grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "Jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump out the window," came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun. The rain is the least of your problems." So, the boyfriend scooted out of bed, grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window, and started running. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. After awhile, a small group of runners who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh, yes," he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running." Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?" "Oh, yes," our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home." Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a
condom when you run?" "Only when it’s raining!"

GOLF LESSON
A husband and a wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local golf club. The man and woman meet the pro and head to the driving range. The man goes up first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, ''Not bad. Now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast.'' The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, ''Excellent!'' Now the woman takes her turn. She hits the ball 30 yards. The golf pro says, ''Not bad, but try holding the club like you hold your husband's manhood.'' She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. ''Not bad," says the golf pro, "now try taking the club out of your mouth.''

CONVERTIBLES
Q: Why do blondes like convertibles?
A: More leg room.

HITCHHIKER
Driving toward home, a salesman sees a Native American thumbing for a ride on the side of the road. As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the guy gets in. After a bit of small talk, the rider notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?" asks the hitchhiker. "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife," says the salesman. The Native American is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."

LADIES ROOM MESSAGE
Found written on the wall of a ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."

HONEST SPEEDER
A man was speeding and was pulled over by a policeman. When asked for his driver's license, the man replied that his was suspended. The policeman was writing out the ticket, and filling out the correct forms when the man told him, "Not only is my license suspended, but I have a loaded gun in the glove box." This shocked the policeman, and he was going to call this in, when the man claimed to have stolen the car. Even more shocked, the policeman was reaching for his handcuffs to arrest the man when the man said that he had fired the gun twice, and the body of the owner of the car was in the trunk. The policeman called in the sheriff who, upon arriving at the scene, approached the man and said, "My deputy told me that you stole that car, shot the owner, had the gun in the glovebox and that you were driving on a suspended license." To this, the man said, "Yeah, and I bet he told you I was speeding, too."

SMART DOGGY
A wild dog is running through the jungle. While wandering about he notices a leopard heading in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep trouble now." Then he sees some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey—who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree—figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, he goes chasing after the leopard. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"

PROPER TERMINOLOGY
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing that he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

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