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PUBLIC ACT
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.

THE CURE
Q: How did the blonde hemophiliac cure herself?
A: Acupuncture.

PARALYZED
An old housewife is on her hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor. Suddenly she shrieks and yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed—I can't get up!" The husband comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your boobs."

IT'S TAKEN THE EDGE OFF
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast, bacon eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinnertime, she asks again if he wants anything to eat. She'll go out and get him some fast food, or whip up a big dinner of turkey and mashed potatoes. Once again he declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then," she says, "Would you mind getting off of me? I'm starving to death!"

WHAT DO YOU DO
Q: What do you do when a Doberman pinscher starts humping your leg?
A: Let him finish.

THE OFFER
A millionaire throws a massive party for his fiftieth birthday. During the party, he's a bit bored and decides to stir things up a bit. He grabs the mic and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. He offers anything he owns to anyone who will swim across that pool. The party continues for some time with no one accepting his offer, until suddenly there's a loud splash. All the party guests run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool a man is frantically swimming as hard as he can. Fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and the guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining, but the guy manages to reach the end and he leaps out of the pool, soaked. The millionaire grabs the mic and says, "I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give—for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So, what will it be?" the millionaire asks. The guy grabs the mic and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the person that pushed me in!"

PAPAL PUZZLE
A man was preparing to board a plane when he heard the Pope was on the same flight. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. After awhile, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" The man paused and replied, "Aunt." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

UNLIKELY HONEYMOON
Rumors were flying at a small tourist hotel about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "What happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator." The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Oh, God. When he told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"

MAKE IT A DOUBLE
"Make it a double, Joe," the dejected man told the bartender. "I just got the shock of my life. I caught my wife having sex with my best friend." "Paul, that's awful. What did you do?" "I hit him in the nose with a newspaper and sent him to bed with no Kibbles 'n' Bits."

HER FIDELITY
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity." "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife. One Sunday morning, we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, "'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"

GUILTY AS CHARGED
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a five-iron in his hands, staring at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know," said the man, "Five, six. Put me down for a five."

IMPORTANT THINGS
Four important things: 1) It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. 2) It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3) It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. 4) It is important that these three women never meet.

HEART CONDITION
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again—the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really frisky over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs—she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

SHOPPING CART
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: A shopping cart has a mind of its own.

DAY AT THE ZOO
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yes, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30-to-1!"

OLD MAN AND HIS DOG
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral. Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man. "Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you." "No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

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