The businessman was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
There were two beggars sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a Christian cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the one sitting behind the cross. A priest came by, stopped and observed many people gave money to the beggar behind the cross, but not to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, he went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said, "Don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross." The Star of David beggar listened to the priest and, turning to the other beggar said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach us marketing."
Q: What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He grows taller.
A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. "Three times," Jeff said without hesitation. "That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing. "That makes sense," Jeff said. "After all, she's my wife."
Two old drunks were hanging out at their favorite bar. The first one says, "You know, when I was 30 and got an erection, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So, whats your point?" says the second drunk. "Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
Q. What's the greatest thing about having a woman for President?
A. We wouldn't have to pay her as much.
There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They also attended the same church. Then their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fundraising campaign was started to build a new wing. Suddenly, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new construction. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But compared to his brother, he was a saint."
A woman goes to see her podiatrist. She says, "Doc, I just got back from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most of the time just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling warm sensation between my toes." The foot doctor thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes. She replied, "Actually no, just between my two big toes!"
Q: What has 75 balls and screws little old ladies?
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her nine-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes it is." "I have a baseball," says the boy. The man replies, "That's nice." "Want to buy it?" asks the kid. The man says, "No, thanks." The boy says, "My dad's outside." The man finally says, "OK, how much?" The boy thinks and says, "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mother's lover are in the closet together. The boy says, "Dark in here." "Yes, it is," says the man. The boy now says, "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks, "How much?" The boy says, "$750." The man agrees. A few days later, the kids dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. Thats far more than they cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the dad makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again.
An older couple is watching TV when an evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick. He says, "Pray with me, placing your right hand in the air and your left hand on the afflicted area." So, the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch. His wife says, "Honey, he said heal the sick, not raise the dead."
A man was standing on a train platform seeing the train off, and he observed someone near him shouting at one of the departing passengers, "Goodbye. Your wife was a great lay! Your wife was a great lay!" The man was stunned. After the train pulled away, he walked over to the man who'd done the shouting and asked, "Did I hear you correctly? Did you tell that man his wife was a great lay?" The other man shrugged his shoulders. "It isn't really true," he said, "but I didnt want to hurt his feelings."
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.
A man comes out of a store and a motorcycle cop is writing a parking ticket. The man goes up to the officer and says, "Hey, how about giving a guy a break?" The cop ignored the man and continued writing the ticket. Then, the man called the cop a "pencil-necked Nazi." The officer glared at the man, but said nothing. He began writing another ticket for having bald tires. The man saw this and called the cop a "piece of horse manure." The cop finished the second ticket, put it on the car with the first, and began writing yet another ticketthis time for a bad windshield wiper. This went on for about 20 minutesthe more the man abused the cop, the more tickets the officer wrote. Finally, the cop left. A passerby whod seen the whole thing approached the man. "How could you do that?" asked the witness. "Oh, I dont really care," said the man, "My car is parked around the corner."
LIKE OLD TIMES
Jack hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown." "Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"
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