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The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The elevator operator, a gorgeous blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, "Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?" A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the bride demanded, "Who was that woman?" "Take it easy, honey," said the groom, "I'm going to have enough trouble explaining you to her."

A customer was constantly bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, the customer would asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw the jerk out. "Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't have an air conditioner."

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take your cleats off before jumping on the trampoline.

A married couple, with husband driving, is travelling down the interstate doing 55 miles per hour. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly increases speed to 60 miles per hour. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again, the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 m.p.h. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster and faster—now he's up to 80 m.p.h. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward the large concrete support of a bridge overpass, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the mass of concrete at 90 m.p.h., "I've got the airbag."

This married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party, everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

Did you hear that they've found a new use for sheep in Arkansas? Wool.

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their genders. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck. Some time later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, whistles and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The audience erupted, screaming with laughter. The director yelled at the actor, "You fool! You have ruined me!" The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?" "No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

There are two different types of people in this world. 1) Those who finish what they start.

A man decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife in the head and shoot that guy's penis off." The man takes another look through the scope and says, "Actually, I think I can do that with one shot!"

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work. In his excitement, he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his pet cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing the results and panicking, the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately, the man’s Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer, expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted. "What happened?" the man asks, "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The cockatiel pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs a frozen chicken?"

Q: What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
A: Half a cat.

A man who’d had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, undress in the bathroom, but she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone." "You've got the wrong technique," says the friend. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife' s rear and ask, ‘How about a little?’ and every time, without fail, she pretends to be asleep!"

A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a group of tampons stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying: "Five boxes for a dollar." The woman can’t believe the great price, so she asks the clerk if the sign is correct. The clerk says, "Oh yes, five for a dollar." She replies, "That can't be right!" The clerk says, "Oh yes, it's right. Five boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."

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