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Great Jokes (6283 bytes)

What follow are jokes, plain and simple. Jokes keep the wheels of our society spinning. They are perhaps the best examples of how we all take "Sips from the Dribble Glass of Life."

A couple is lying nude in bed. The man says, as he moves closer, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."

Joe goes to his optometrist to have his eyes examined. The doctor tells him, "Joe, you've got to stop masturbating!" "Why, Doc?" Joe asked. "Am I going blind?" "No," said the optometrist. "But you're upsetting my other patients!"

Two good friends stopped off at a local bar after work. Dan seemed to be distraught about something and Gary tried his best to find out what was troubling his pal—but to no avail. Finally, after downing his sixth beer, Dan blurted out, "Okay, it's about your wife." "My wife?" Gary demanded, "What about my wife?" Deeply saddened, Dan confided, "I think she's cheating on us."

Q: Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms?
A: After you leave, they stay and talk to her.

Bob walked into the bedroom to find his wife having sex with another man. "What the hell is going on here?" Bob asked. "Who is this man?" His wife, after a thoughtful moment, responded, "That's a fair question." Then, turning to the naked man beside her, she asked, "What's your name?"

After taking his blonde date to a movie and a nice dinner, the smitten young man drove to a quiet spot and parked. The couple began to neck, and when things got steamy, the fellow asked, "How about getting in the back seat?" "No," she said. He began to kiss her again and started running his hands up and down her body. "Now will you get in the back seat?" he asked. "No," she said more firmly. He went back to kissing and rubbing and finally, between clenched teeth, pleaded, "For God's sake, get in the back seat, will you?" "No!" she screamed. "Well, why the hell not?" he asked. "Because," she replied sweetly, "I want to stay up here with you."

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by her very elderly aunt, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl. "All right," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me," said the girl. "It's my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor, turning to the aunt. "Madam, please stick out your tongue."

Q: Why do men name their penises?
A: Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

There once was a dog show to determine the world's smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer. For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make. The doctor said, "Stethoscope, go!" The dog built a human skeleton. The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try. The engineer said, "Slide rule, go!" The dog built a suspension bridge. The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick? Then the lawyer said, "Loop-hole, go!" The lawyer’s dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and screwed the other two dogs.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 Hide-and-Go-Seek champion.

There was a married couple and the wife could never get the husband do anything. "Honey, the light switch needs fixing," replied the wife. "Who do I look like, an electrician?" stated the husband. "Honey, the toilet needs fixing," she would say. "Who do I look like, a plumber?" was his reply. "Honey, the chair needs fixing." "Who do I look like, a carpenter?" he said. One day, the wife got tired of asking her husband to do things, so she told her husband, "I'm going get somebody to come in and fix these things." After her husband left for work, she called her neighbor Bob and he came and fixed everything. When her husband got home, she informed him Bob had fixed everything. "Good," he stated. "How much did he charge?" The wife said, "Well, I had two options—he said I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him." The stunned husband asked, "Well, what type of cake did you bake?" The wife replied, "Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's often difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

A guy is very ashamed of his penis because of its size. It’s extremely small, and he doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size. So, one night, when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner, he decides he’ll just face his fear and show her. The man unzips his pants, whips out his manhood and puts it into her hand. He sits there, impatiently, waiting for her reaction. His girlfriend says, "Thanks, but I don't smoke."

What is the best thing about dating a homeless girl? You can dump her off anywhere.

Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Pardon me," the priest said, "I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate." "Why, yes, Father," she replied. "Every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." "That's wonderful! How much does he send you?" asked the priest. "Oh, about $20,000 a week or so." "Your son is obviously very successful," said the priest. "What does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she said. "That's quite an honorable profession," said the priest. "Where does he practice?" "Well, he has a cat house in Las Vegas."

Q: Why did God put men on Earth?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Three nuns were walking along the street. One was describing with her hands the tremendous grapefruit she'd seen in Florida. The second one, also with her hands, described the huge bananas she'd seen in Jamaica. The third nun, a little deaf, asked, "Father who?"

A young man joined paratroopers. He went though training and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. A dozen men got up and walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, 250 pounds. He said, ‘Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, ‘No, I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was as big around as a baseball bat! He said, ‘Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm putting this baby where the sun don’t shine.’" The father anxiously asks, "So, did you jump?" "Well," said the son, "a little, at first."

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