ONE UGLY BABY
One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow, that is one ugly baby." The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asked, "What's wrong-you look upset?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me." "You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him." "You're right, sir, I think I will report him," she said. The elderly man said, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting." "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about 12 minutes she'll be 18."
Q: Why do blondes wear tight skirts?
A: To keep their legs together.
THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and the snake was slithering through the forest when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake around quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm so terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kind of slither over you and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, have really long ears, your nose twitches and you have a soft, cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you, thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw and help you the same way you helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over and remarked, "Well, you're scaly but smooth, you have a forked tongue, but a nice voice, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a politician, a defense attorney or possibly someone in upper management."
SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE
Two ministers were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?" "I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
COVERED WITH MUD
Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband." The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "You're right, he's not your husband." The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village."
SIN AND SHAME
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It's a sin to put it in and a shame to pull it out.
A man is on his camel in the desert when suddenly it comes to a dead stop. He gets off and pulls the camel by the lead. It walks just fine but as soon as he gets back on, it won't budge. Luckily there is an oasis about three hours away, so he walks there, and finds the nearest camel service station. The attendant says, "Bring the camel up onto the platform." He leads it there, and the attendant pushes a button, raises the camel up. He takes a look from underneath and says, "I think I see the problem." He pushes a button, and out of the ceiling comes a large metal flat device, which slowly draws back, and then violently whacks the camel's ass. The camel lets out a roar and goes running out of the shop, into the desert, and disappears. The man is furious, and screams, "What the hell did you just do? My camel's gone now, how am I ever going to catch up with him?" "Step up onto the platform," says the attendant.
A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out, "Doctor, kiss me!" The doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her. About 15 minutes later the woman again shouts out, "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!" Again he refuses, apologetically, but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her. Another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with the doctor, "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!" "Look," he says, "I'm sorry. I just cannot kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be humping you."
PUT YOUR COAT ON
This guy comes into the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the bar. Put your coat on." The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity, replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?" The husband replies, "No. I'm turning the off the heat."
A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I feel like I could just strangle her," the young man exclaimed. "Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife," replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her." Shaking his head, the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad at her anymore."
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: Ticks leave after you die.
Jim went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation, while visiting Jerusalem, Jim's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, Jim went to the American Consulate to make arrangements to send the body back to the U.S. for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told Jim that the sending of a body back to the U.S. for burial is very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150. Jim thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back, that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it's not that," says Jim. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance."
Q. What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an atheist?
A. Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're surrounded by young, attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would be less tempted?" So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" "First things first. Let's hear you play that harmonica!"
Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.
Recently, a man in Amsterdam felt he needed to confess, so he went to his priest. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin." "But I made him agree to pay me 20 dollars for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good," said the priest, "but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "Its $50 for three questions," replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied," and what's your third question?"
A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and can't see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his member on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, puts his manhood on the counter just as the deaf mute did, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
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