NOT A PROBLEM
The blonde took her car to the garage after it had broken down for the third time that day. The mechanic told her to come back in half an hour so he could have a proper look at it. The blonde returned to the garage after the half-hour passed. The blonde asked, "What's wrong with it?" The mechanic wiped his brow and said, "Nothing now--just crap in the carburetor." The blonde asked, "Oh, how often do will I have to do that?"
Three monks were silently meditating far away from any other people or any modern conveniences. After one year of silence, the first monk remarked, "Pretty cold here." Another year passed in silence and the second monk said, "You know, you're right!" A third year went by and the third monk said, "Look, I'll have to find somewhere else to meditate if you two don't stop bitching!"
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother?" the doctor asked. "You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."
A lady got a job at a Zenith TV factory. After a week passed, she noticed everyone had a nametag except her. She went to her supervisor and asked why she did not have a nametag yet. The supervisor said, "You'll have to see the president for that." The lady made an appointment and saw the president of the company. She asked him why she did not yet have a nametag. The president stood up, unzipped his pants, let his manhood flop out on the desk and said, "Young lady, do you see this? This here is quality. Here at the Zenith Corporation, quality goes in before the name goes on."
OVER THE COUNTER
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A man and his date walk into a very posh furrier after having eaten a very expensive lunch at one of Beverly Hills' most exclusive restaurants. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the guy says. So, the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with a gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem," says the man, "I'll write you a check." "Very good, sir," says the delighted shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank." So, the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
BUBBA'S NEW TRUCK
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?" "Bobby Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied. "She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on you, but a new truck?" asked Jimmy Joe. "Well," said Bubba, "let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on a road in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in four-wheel drive and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!" Jimmy Joe smiled and said, "Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes would've never fit you."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. Realizing she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "Pull over!" "No," the blonde yelled back, "it's a scarf!"
"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. "Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked. "Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
YOU ARE THE FIRST
A guy out on the golf course takes a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the crate!"
Q: What are the three words a housewife never wants to hear when making love?
A: Honey, I'm home!
A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some five times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year. How about you?" The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day, great. But you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"
PICTURES FROM CAMP
A man moves into a nudist colony. Sometime later, he receives a letter from his mother asking for a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let his mother know that he now lives in a nudist colony, he takes a photo of himself, cuts it in half, and sends her the top piece. A few weeks later, he receives another letter from his mother, this time asking him to send a picture to his grandmother as well. Again, he takes a photo of himself, cuts it in half. This time, though, he accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his beloved grandmother that reads, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle. It makes your nose look too short!"
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Hal. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Hal's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
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