Jon came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "Judy, love, you'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking." "Really," she said, interested at once. "What is it?" "Back to back," Jon replies. "But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back." "Yes we can," he says. "I've persuaded another couple to help out!"
There's a guy who is a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets up very early and golfs all day long. One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel and hears it's going to be bad weather all day long. So, he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she replies, "I know, and can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in it?"
Q. What do Iraqi women call goats?
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar, and after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, he walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ass!" she screamed. "See?" he muttered, "You even sound exactly like her."
I LIKE IT
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully. "Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded. "Infrequently," he said, "is that one word or two?"
ON THAT OCCASION
At a paternity trial, the blonde's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16th, at approximately 11:45 p.m., in the locale known generally as Lover's Lane, did the defendant have sexual relations with you?" "Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed. "And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh, no," she replied, "he had one of them real fancy Mazdas."
Two men were out on a hunting trip with their dogs and one said to the other, "My dog's really cleverlook. Go fetch this stick!" The dog does it. "Play dead! Roll over!" the man said, and the dog did all these things. "That's nothing," says the other man, "Watch thisgo make me some breakfast!" His dog runs to the lake, fills the kettle and a pan, makes a fire, lights it, boils the water, makes some coffee, pours it in a mug, boils an egg and then does a handstand. "That's amazing!" says the other man. "But why is he standing on his head?" "Well," replies the proud dog owner. "He knows I haven't got an egg cup!"
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?" "Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night." "That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know." "Not if you're going to watch TV, there aren't," she replied.
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey, Stevie, want to play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, " I don't know what that means." The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
JUST PLAIN WRONG
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you a question." "I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
ZIP IT GOOD
A woman is trying to board a bus, but her her skirt is too tight and she can't step up. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper a bit and tries again. Skirt's still too tight. She reaches behind her and lowers the zipper some more. She still can't get on, and lowers the zipper a third time. Suddenly, she feels two hands on her butt, trying to push her up onto the bus. She spins around and says, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to do that!" The guy says, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times, either."
PECK, PECK, BOOM
Q: What goes peck, peck, peck, boom?
A: A chicken in a mine field.
A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a sample tomorrow. The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she used both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"
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