A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests show nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. "Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. "I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"
Father Larry is in the confession booth one day when he has to go to the bathroom. He calls over to the janitor. Jim, the janitor, comes over and Father Larry explains that he has to go to the bathroom and wants Jim to take over in the confession booth for him. Jim says he isn't even Catholic and doesn't think it would be appropriate for him to take over, but Father Larry insists and explains to Jim that if somebody enters the booth he should just look up the punishment in the book on the table. Jim agrees and sits down in the booth. The first sinner comes in and says, "Father, please forgive me, I have sinned. I have had anal sex." Jim, feeling very comfortable goes over to the book and looks up anal sex, but can't find anything. Jim peeks through the curtain of the confessional and seen an altar boy lighting a candle. "Psst," says Jim, "What does Father Larry give for anal sex?" "As of last week," the altar boy says, "two lollipops and a soda."
"I can't put this tiger jigsaw puzzle together," a frustrated blonde tells her man. "Honey," the boyfriend says, "please put the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
I'LL TAKE YOU
The little boy told his mother he wanted to pee. "I'll take you to the bathroom," she replied. "No," the boy said, "I want Grandma to take me." "Why do you want Grandma instead of me?" the mother asked. "Because her hand shakes."
HORSE AND CHICKEN
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking. A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse says, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretches himself over the width of the hole and says, "Grab for my, uh, organ, and pull yourself up!" The chicken did, and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story-if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up a chick.
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas and smoke in a smoking jacketwhy would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?
A midget complained to his doctor that his testicles ached all the time. The physician told the midget to drop his pants. The doctor then lifted him up onto the table to take a look. Putting one finger under the left testicle, the doctor had the midget cough. The midget coughed. Then, putting his finger under the right testicle, the doctor asked the midget to cough again, which he did. "Ah-ha!" said the doctor, as he reached for his surgical scissors. He snipped on the right side, then on the left. The doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants and see if he still ached. The midget was delighted with the result. He walked around the doc's office and his testicles did not ache. "What did you do, Doc?" he asked. The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
DO THESE CRASH
As an elderly lady was boarding the plane, she said to the flight attendant, "Do these things crash very often?" The attendant replied, "No, just once!"
Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher who sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the bubbles float through it. The preacher asked, "What are you doing with that water?" Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a moment, then explained, "Preacher, this here is turpentine. It's the strongest liquid in the world." The preacher replied, "Son, holy water is the strongest liquid in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will give birth to a baby boy?" Little Johnny thought about this one for a minute, and then remarked, "Nope, this here turpentine is still the strongest liquid, because if you rub it on a cat's ass, it can pass a speeding car!"
Q: What's the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pitbull humping your leg?
A: You let the pitbull finish.
NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Two atoms are sitting in a bar, talking. The first says, "Hey, I think I lost an electron!" The second replies, "You sure?" Says the first, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
FOUR LEGS AND AN ARM
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pitbull!
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot." "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear." "Exactly," replied the doctor.
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. Nothing wrong with you. You have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead? He's 82, and he still goes skiing three times a year and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead? He goes skiing at least once a year and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on Earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
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