FIXING THE DENTS
One day a blonde brings home a brand new car and forgets to put it in the garage. That night, a hailstorm develops and pounds her car full of dents. The next day she sees the car and is disappointed but brings it to a body shop to get fixed. The body shop is swamped with cars from the storm already so the mechanic thinks, "Well, I'll have a little fun here." He then tells her, "I'll tell you a secret that only us body shop guys know. If you blow on the tail pipe long enough, the dents will begin to just pop back into their normal positions." So, the blonde brings her car home and begins the process. Hours go by and no results. She is about to continue when her blonde friend comes walking by and says, "What exactly are you doing to your car?" The blonde then tells her the story. Her friend starts laughing as hard as she can and then says, "What, are you crazy? That'll never work! You've got to close the windows first."
COMPATIBLE AT LAST
Did you hear about the couple who finally became sexually compatible? They achieved simultaneous headaches.
A poll was conducted as to whether men prefer women with large thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising. Ten percent of the men surveyed preferred women with large thighs. Ten percent of the men surveyed preferred women with thin thighs. The other 80 percent preferred something in-between.
Q. Why don't roosters have hands?
A. Because chickens don't have boobs.
BIRTH CONTROL PILLS
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she stated, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75-years-old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?" The old lady replied, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
WHAT IS IT
Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their positions. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed. "But on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's house."
WHY DOES SHE?
Q: Why does a women rub her eyes in the morning?
A: Because she doesn't have testicles to scratch.
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick, into the closet!" said the woman to her lover. She bundled him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work." "What did she do?" someone asked. "She was so happy to have me home," he said, "That every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'"
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a six-foot tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weightlifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still want to tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," says the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks. One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?" "Yep, I been married to one for 15 years!"
A woman had a wedding to go to and needed a wedding gift. "Aha," she thought, "I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present!" So, she took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith took one look at the tray, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done but so many times!"
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on Earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
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