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PREMATURE RETIREMENT
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year.

THE KNOB
A lady in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything's been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

ACHES AND PAINS
At a nursing home, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man. Then there was a short moment of silence. "Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

NEW TATTOO
A man arrives home late one night and his wife is quick to ask why. The man says, "I was at the tattoo parlor." The wife is outraged and wants to know more. So, the husband pulls down his pants and shows his wife a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. "Now why would you want to do that?" the wife asks. "Well, for three simple reasons," explains the husband. "First of all, I enjoy handling my money once in awhile. Second, I love to watch my money grow. And third, the next time you're thinking about blowing a hundred dollars, come see me first!"

ONE MILLION
Q: Why does it take one million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions.

SIN OF VANITY
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin. It's just a mistake."

OFF THEIR ROCKERS
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked, then suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard whack hit her husband across the shins. His eyes watered, he gasped, "What'd you do that for?" "That's for 50 years of bad sex," she said. He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp whack, he hit his wife across the shins. As soon as she could speak she asked, "What was that for?" "That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is for knowing the difference."

ONE FOR THE GUYS
Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: Because it's nice if the dishwasher matches the stove and refrigerator.

ONE FOR THE GALS
Q: What is that insensitive thing at the base of the penis called?
A: The man.

INSOMNIA
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

A DIFFERENCE
What's the difference between a used tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year.

TWO NEW ORGANS
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

BIRTHDAY GIFT
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her?" The husband said, "I don't know. Do you have anything specific in mind?" The wife said, "Well, she said that she would like something electric." The husband replied, "Got it! How about a chair?"

THE CONFESSION
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice." The priest said, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" Replies the man, "I'm telling everybody."

STRAIGHT AND LONG
A woman golfer visited a driving range and noticed the man next to her. "Pardon me, sir," she said. "You're aiming in the wrong direction, towards the golf shop." "Oy!" the man exclaimed. "Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blindt." He then turns around and starts hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asks the lady how he is doing. "Not bad," she answers. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing." "Tanks, again," he replies. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings." A few shots later, he inquires again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?" "Not at all," she replies. "I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or vat?" "You're quite presentable," she replies, "I don't think that should be a problem." Smiling now, he says, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you." He was about to hit another ball when the lady interrupts him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks. "Vit gladness. All de help you got I vill take," he answers. "Lose the Jewish accent," she replies. "You're Chinese."

THE DEAN
The dean of women, addressing her charges, concluded, "And remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself if an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?" A young lady raised her hand instantly and said, "Tell me, how do you make it last an hour?"

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