Mary and Jill were discussing their sex lives. Mary asked, "Did you and your ex ever try role-playing to spice up your love life?" "Well," said Jill, "we tried it once, but we just ended up in a great big fight." Mary, curious, asked, "What happened?" Jill continued, "My ex asked me who I wanted him to be, and I said, 'Anybody but you.'"
Q: Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?
A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first, so on her next home visit she went to the kitchen where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay. Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, you're a lesbian?" "Well, yes," her daughter replied. Still without looking up, the mother asked, "Does that mean lick women down below?" Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed, "Yes." Her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"
Q: Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
A: Because he saw the snowblower coming up the street.
THE MASKED MAN
An elderly couple in a retirement community was surprised by a knock on their door late one night. Jerry, the husband, gets up to answer the door, only to find a huge, intimidating masked man at the door. "This is terrible, I'm going to be robbed and lose all my money!" the old man screamed. "I'm not a robber," said the man in disgust. "I am a rapist." "Oh, thank goodness," said Jerry. Then he shouted to his wife, "Elaine, it's for you!"
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem and they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Q: If tennis players get tennis elbow, what do gynecologists get?
A: Tunnel vision.
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a dreadful fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight." "I know, I know," said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the body?"
SHAME AND GLORY
A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one and says, "This is for the shame," and then the second one, "This is for the glory." She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one saying, "This is for the shame" and then the second one, "This is for the glory." She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. "I was just wondering," says the bartender, "what's this about shame and glory?" "Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind." "That must be the shame," the bartender said. "No," said the woman. "That was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for 30 minutes."
One day, a man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
Q: Why do so many women fake orgasm?
A: Because so many men fake foreplay.
LET DYING MEN LIE
Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
An eight-year-old boy was at the corner grocery store picking out a big box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. If you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy just carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The stunned grocer said, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!" "Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh?" said the grocer. "What was it then?" The boy said, "I think it was the spin cycle!"
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