HE GOT FRESH
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mom?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" the concerned daughter asked. "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
FORTY FEET LONG
Q. What's 40 feet long and smells like urine?
A. Line dancing at the nursing home.
I JUST CAN'T
"Doctor," an old man complained, "I can't pee." After thinking for a moment, the doctor inquired, "How old are you?" "Eighty-seven," the old man replied. "Well," asked the doctor, "haven't you peed enough?"
A Harvard English 101 class was asked to write a concise essay containing four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The only "A+" in the class read: "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
A young woman was talking to her single aunt. The young woman said, "The attractive man I met last night insists he just wants to be friends. Now, I know what to do with a lover, but, what the heck do I do with a 'friend'?" The wise older woman smiled and said, "The same as with your lover, dear, only not quite so often."
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her 11-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With you," he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"
Q: Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
A: To knock the penises off the smart ones.
THIS DOG CAN PLAY
A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!" The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog. This dog can play the piano!" The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay and have a drink on the house." So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Ragtime, classical, jazz and more. The astonished bartender and patrons are enjoying the music. Suddenly, a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out. The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?" The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."
Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" A voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: It kept falling out.
In a bar one evening, a creepy guy proposed a one dollar bet to a full figured woman nearby. Her dress was buttoned up to the neck, but the man bet he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes. Since this didn't seem even remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet. He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly. With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes." He replied, "Okay. I owe you a dollar."
A SERIOUS OPERATION
"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated." "What on Earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Arthur. "But have you thought it through?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever." "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind-either schedule me to be castrated or I'll go to another doctor." "Well, O.K.," says the doctor. "But it's against my better judgment." So, Arthur has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Arthur, "it looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Arthur stared at him in horror. "Damn, that's the word!"
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call and tell her.
ONE VERY HOT DAY
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, along came a group of ladies from town. The men ran for cover, with the minister and priest covering their privates and the rabbi covering his face. After the ladies were gone and the men had retrieved their clothes, the minister asked the rabbi why he covered his face and not his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize."
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They're both meat substitutes.
After decades as a specialist in circumcision, a surgeon was retiring. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as mementos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir. So, he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week." The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the craftsman had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet. "All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon. The leathersmith replied, "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."
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