A LITTLE BOX
While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room, the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asked her husband. "If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"
A blonde in her fourth year of college was taking a class about women's issues. The professor asked her to explain what Roe vs. Wade was about. The blonde thought for a moment, then proudly stated, "That was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware."
THE WAY THINGS ARE
God has just finished explaining to Moses how things are going to work with the chosen people of Israel. Moses says, "Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. They get to have all the oil deposits, and we cut off the tip of our what?"
THE WAY THINGS ARE
Q: How does a man show he's is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had seven more children. Again her husband died. But she married again, and this time had five more children. Alas, she finally croaked, too. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord, thanking him for this loving woman that fulfilled his commandment to "go forth and multiply." In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank goodness they are finally together." Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The other mourner then replied, "I think he means her legs!"
SEX AND LOVE
At the retreat, Jill and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words "sex" and "love." Jill wrote, "When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another." And John wrote, "I love sex."
TO THE MOON
Q: Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A: It doesn't need cleaning.
A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?" "I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?" "Hey, pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to mother."
Q: What has three teeth and 60 feet?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
A doctor, a lawyer, a priest and two boy scouts were on a small airplane together when they were told by the pilot that the engine had failed, they were going to crash and there were only two parachutes on board. The doctor took the news with ease, he said, "I have lived my life with purpose, so I propose giving the two parachutes to the boys here." The lawyer responded by saying, "No, I disagree, screw the kids." Then the priest says, "You think we have enough time?"
THE OTHER ONE
A sorority girl is having sex with her boyfriend one night when she asks, "Just this once, can we put it in the other hole? I think I'd really like that." "Are you crazy?" the boyfriend screams. "You might get pregnant that way!"
A couple gets married and the wife puts a footlocker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For 50 years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their 50th wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the footlocker, and inside there are two ears of corn and $25,000. The guy says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, during the 50 years of our marriage, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in 50? That's not so bad." Then he says, "And what's the $25,000?" She says, "Well, every time I got a bushel, I sold it."
NEW HUSBAND, NEW DOG
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes. "What happened to you?" asked his wife. "I'll never understand women," he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her behind, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye!" "I can certainly appreciate that," said the wife, "But how did you get the second black eye?" "Well, I figured she liked it that way," said the husband, "So I pushed it back in."
NOT BLESSED YET
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Rafferty. "Top o' the morning to ye," said the Father. "Aren't you Mrs. O'Donovan? Didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." "And be there any wee ones yet?" "No," Mrs. O'Donovan said, "the good Lord has not blessed us yet, Father." "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye." "Oh, thank ye Father." They parted ways. Some years later they met again. "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," the priest said. "How are ye these days?" "Oh, very well," said she. "And tell me," he said. "Have ye any wee ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father," Mrs. O'Donovan replied. "Three sets of twins and four others-ten in all." "Aye, that's wonderful!" he said. "And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh," she said. "He's gone to Rome to blow out yer damned candle."
MISSING IN ACTION
Q: What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
WE'RE ALL HERE
Abe, an old penny pincher, was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said, "Is my wife here?" His wife replied, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." So Abe asks, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we're all here," say the children. Abe inquires, "Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here." Abe sits up and yells, "Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"
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