WHAT IS IT
Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
THE WINKING PROBLEM
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking." "Really? Great! Show me." So, the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms. Finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country." "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" said the interviewer. "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
LIGHT AND HARD
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.
A mom is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "O.K.," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is shocked. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh, really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an 'F' in sex."
Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with Lassie?
A: A dog that chews your leg off, then fetches the doctor.
Three young women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other, The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor. The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But 13 canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis." The first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks." The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Taurus." "Well," the third woman says, " I also have a confession to make. Canary number 13 has to stand on one leg."
Did you hear about the gay leprechaun? He came out of the cupboard.
Suzie asked her mommy if she could take Lady, her dog, for a walk. "Not today sweetie, Lady is in heat!" Mommy said. "What do mean, Mommy?" asked Suzie. Not knowing how to explain this to Suzie, she suggested that Suzie should go to the garage and ask her father. Suzie asked, "Daddy, I want to take Lady for a walk but Mommy said I can't because she is in heat?" "Well," Daddy pondered. "Bring Lady over here." With that, he soaked a rag with gasoline and rubbed it on Lady's backside. "Now you can take Lady for a walk," Daddy said. An hour later, Daddy saw Suzie walking up the driveway with no Lady in sight. Daddy asked, "Where's Lady?" Suzie said, " Lady ran out of gas halfway home. But don't worry. Butch, the neighbor's dog is pushing her home."
LIVING TO BE 80
This elderly man goes to a new doctor. After exhaustive lab tests, the doctor tells the man he's doing "fairly well" for someone his age. A little concerned about that comment, the man asked, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?" The doctor asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" "Oh, no," said the man, "I've never done either." Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat steaks or ribs?" The man said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy." "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" the physician asked. "No, I don't," the patient said. The doctor continued, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or fool around?" "No," said the man, "I've never done any of those things." The doctor looked at the man and said, "Then why the hell do you want to live to be 80?"
A young honeymoon couple was touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound." "What, uh, what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."
BLONES AND BRUNETTES
Q: Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?
A: It gives them something to do on Saturday night.
A professor at Auburn University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raised their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?" About 40 students raised their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" Fifteen students raised their hands. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raised their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one more questionhave any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Billy Bob, way in the back raised his hand. The professor took off his glasses, peers toward the back of the room and says, "Son, in all the years I've been teaching this class, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and made his way to the lectern. As he reached the front of the room, the professor said, "Well, now, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Billy Bob replied, "Dang! From way back there I thought you said 'goats'!"
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