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Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't—they're born that way.

"You look different today, Claudia," commented Rene to her co-worker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use? Special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?" "No!" replied Claudia. "My vibrator shorted out this morning."

A husky, 6-foot-5 man is sitting in the park, cramming his mouth with chocolate bars. An old man nearby says, "You really shouldn't eat all that chocolate, you know. It isn't very good for you. The big guy looks at him and says, "My grandfather lived until he was 103." "Oh, really," sneered the older man. "Did he eat lots of chocolate bars every day?" "No," the big guy replies, "but he minded his own damned business."

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "What are you shaking for? She's going to eat me!"

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Wings.

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: About 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: About 45 minutes.

A doctor, a nurse and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life. The doctor said, "I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people." St. Peter said, "That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?" The nurse said, "I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult." St. Peter replied, "Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?" The HMO director said, "I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country." St. Peter said, "Oh, I see. Please go in, but you can only stay two nights!"

This elderly woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with gas. It's not really a social problem, because you can't smell it or hear it, but I must have passed gas 20 times since I started talking to you." The doctor nods his head and says, "Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about two weeks, come back to see me." The old lady comes back two weeks later and is angry. She says, "What was in those pills? I pass gas just as much. You still can't hear them, but now they smell horrible!" The doctor again nods his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."

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