Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
THE MATH WHIZ
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight." When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear husband, you, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
I'M ALL EARS
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said,"Yes, I can put you right." After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears." "Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's." "You're wrong," said the man, "I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
FIVE POUNDS OF FAT
Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What, dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
There are 10 kinds of people in the worldthose who get binary and those who don't.
An inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal." The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, "with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. And inmate started singing, "One trillion bottles of beer on the wall..."
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measuresthe whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away. After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
SHOT THREE TIMES
A pregnant woman walked into a bank and went to the first available teller. Just at that moment, the bank was robbed and she's shot three times in the stomach. She was rushed to the hospital where she was fixed up. As she leaves, she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, "Oh! You're going to have triplets. They're fine, but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism." As time goes on the woman has three children, two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, "Mommy, something weird happened!" The mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about the accident at the bank. A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes, how did you know?" The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank. A month later the boy comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing!" "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" "No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
Get a joke book! || Submit a joke || Get jokes via e-mail
Pictures || Jokes || Trivia || Fallacies || Articles || Strange || Cards || Mixed Bag || Links || What's New || Home