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I LIED
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous. I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues." Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

THE WISH
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"

ON WHAT GROUNDS
A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four children under the age of five. "I want a divorce," she said. "On what grounds?" he asked. "Desertion, sir," she said. "Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children. "Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and then to apologize."

BOIL
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly dumb," said one doctor. "She does everything completely backwards. Last week, I told her to give a patient two milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every two hours. He damn near died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. So instead she tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour. The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, a blood-curdling scream echoed down the hall. "Oh my god!" cried the first doctor, "I just remembered. I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

QUICKER FOR MEN
Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

SKYDIVER
A blind man makes a name for himself as a skydiver. A journalist comes to interview him and starts to ask him some questions. The interviewer asked, "How do you actually do the parachute jump?" The blind man replied, "Well, they put the parachute on me, take me up in the plane and put the rip cord in my hand. When the plane gets over the spot where I'm supposed to jump, they tell me and out I go." The impressed interviewer continued, "But how do you know when to pull the rip cord?" The blind man said, "Well, at about 300 feet my sense of smell kicks in. When I can smell the flowers and the trees, I know it's time to pull the cord." The interviewer asks, "But how do you know when to straighten your legs out and get into landing position?" The blind man says, "That's easy. When the dog's leash goes slack."

BEST MEDICINE
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

SORE THROAT
A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, "Open wide." "I can't," replies the blonde, "this chair's got arms."

CUT OFF
A group of guys and a girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game, the guys notice the girl knows just as much about the game as they do and are really impressed. After the game, they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?" She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change." The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut it off?" "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part," says the woman. "Was it when they cut off your testicles?" one man asks. "That was very painful, but was not the most painful part." Another man inquires, "So, what was the most painful part?" "The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

ON TRIAL
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

LOVE DRESS
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

SAFE SEX
Q: What is a man's idea of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

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