Q: How do you say "hello" in French?
A: "I surrender."
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up." So he did. Next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs, it'll warm up." He did and his nose warmed up. The next day the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." Later that week, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother. She says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The mother, a bit startled, says, "Yes, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they just make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"
HOW CAN YOU TELL
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error. "I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right." He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first. "I'm wrong," she said. With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"
NO LUCK WITH WOMEN
A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with women. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself you're a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. Say it with conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked all right. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" asked the doctor. "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
A: One snatches watches.
There was an artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work. He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed. The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he barked, "It's my wife. Quick, take all your clothes off!"
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy isn't it?" Second one says, "No it's Thursday." Third one says, "So am I, let's go get a beer."
HOLD THEM UP
On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked,
"How the hell will that help?"
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
STOPPING A LAWYER
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money." The agent replied, "Just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth." There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
Q: What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brainpower?
A: A widower.
An elderly gentleman had suffered from serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear perfectly again. The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor's in a month for a final check on the new equipment. After some tests, the doctor proclaimed, "Your hearing is perfect!" "Thank you for helping me," replied the elderly man. "You're welcome," said the doctor. "Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." "Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations I used to miss," replied the elderly gentleman. "Really?" questioned the doctor. You must still be marveling at being able to hear again and just not ready to believe it yourself. That must be why you haven't told them." "Well, no," said the older man, "that's not it exactly, but I have changed my will three times!"
The headmistress of a girls' boarding school was abruptly awakened one night by one of her students. "Ms. Forbes, Ms. Forbes," the student cried, "I've done a very foolish thing and let my boyfriend go all the way." "Now be calm, Melissa," the headmistress told her firmly. "The first thing you must do is go to the kitchen and eat a half a lemon." "Half a lemon?" asked the surprised student. "And that will keep me from getting pregnant?" "Actually, no dear," admitted the headmistress, "but at least it will get rid of that silly grin."
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