WOMEN IN LEATHER
Q: Why do men like women in leather?
A: Because they smell like new cars.
Bob wasn't too happy with his doctor's recommendation to cure his constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?" "Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off gradually."
WHAT DO YOU GET
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
This guy went to see a highly recommend psychiatrist. The doctor showed the man an inkblot and asked, "What does this remind you of?" The guy replied, "A naked woman." Then the shrink showed the man another inkblot and asked the guy the same question. The guy responded, "A naked woman on a bed." This went on and on, inkblot after inkblot. The psychiatrist finally said to the guy, "You are a sick pervert." The guy replied, "I'm not the pervert here. You're the one who keeps showing me all those dirty pictures."
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
IN THE SHOWER
A girl says to he boyfriend, "I read a study that said 90 percent of all men masturbate in the shower and the other 10 percent sing." "Really?" said the boyfriend. "Yes," said the girlfriend, "and do you know what song they sing?" "No," replied the boyfriend. "I didn't think so," she said.
WHAT, ME WORRY?
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I'll start you at eighty thousand." "Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine? Ten feet of barbed wire.
A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the house. He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to man, touching each man's "package," and guessing who it was. The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd fit in here right now." "Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times already!"
THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left." "None," replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
SENSITIVE AND CARING
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. "Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily. "I'm sorry ma'am," the reverend said calmly, "I'm in sales, not management."
Two priests and a rabbi were asked the following question, "When you are in your casket, and friends, family and congregates are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?" The Episcopal priest answered, "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man." The Catholic priest answered, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God who made an enormous difference in people's lives." The rabbi answered, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving.'"
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my sweet little hamster."
Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has positive side.
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I'll let my husband know as soon as I get home." "That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. Anything else?" "I'm not sure, something about the emergency brake."
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