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A wife asks her husband, "Why don't you ever call out my name when we're making love?" The husband replies, "I don't want to wake you."

Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because they think men care.

Sam, sick of the rat race, buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermont farmer standing there. "Name's Enoch, your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday and thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "After six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks." As Enoch is leaving he says, "I've got to warn you there's going be some drinking." "Not a problem. I can drink with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "There's going to be some fighting, too." Sam says, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there." Once again, Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops again and says, "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."

Q: How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass?
A: Very satisfying.

A lawyer, a priest and a Boy Scout are on a plane. The pilot suddenly runs into the cabin and screams "We're out of fuel!" The pilot then grabs one of three parachutes and leaps out of the plane. The lawyer grabs another bag and waves before plunging into the sky. The priest looks down at the Boy Scout and says, "Son, I have lived a full life. Take the last parachute." The Boy Scout looks up and says, "No, it's OK, the lawyer took my backpack."

Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

A blackjack dealer and a player who had a 13 count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer. The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me." "Okay, but, the waiter brings me whatever I order. So, I'll take an eight."

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well." "Why is that?" asked the professor. "For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be a hundred years old."

Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: It kept falling out.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it.

Did you hear that the French have a new flag? It's a white cross on a white background.

A tourist walked into a curio shop on the lower East Side of Manhattan. Looking around at the exotica, he noticed a lifelike, oversized silver statue of a cockroach. It had no price tag, but was so striking he decided he must have it. He took it to the owner, asking, "How much for the silver cockroach?" "Twenty five dollars for the statue, two hundred dollars for the story," said the owner. The tourist gave the man twenty five dollars. "I'll just take the roach, you can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his oversized silver cockroach, he noticed that a few real roaches had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. He began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of roaches behind him had grown to hundreds. He began to trot toward the river, looking around to see that the roaches now numbered in the millions, and were coming towards him faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the river and threw the silver cockroach as far out into the river as he could. Amazingly, the millions of roaches all jumped into the river after it, and were all drowned. The man quickly raced back to the curio shop. "Ah," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?" "No, no," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a silver lawyer?"

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister. As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein." Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!" As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday. The next Sunday the minister asked, "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?" The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say Einstein was so smart that only 10 people in the world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."

A third grade teacher was getting to know her pupils on the first day of school. She turned to one little girl and asked, "What does your Daddy do?" The girl replied, "Whatever my Mommy tells him to do."

The headmistress of a girls' school asked a male friend who was an author to give a talk to the pupils about sex. After much persuasion, the man agreed but was too embarrassed to tell his wife. So, he told her he was addressing the school on sailing. The day after the talk, the headmistress met the wife in the street. "Your husband was wonderful yesterday, so illuminating. I know my girls learned a lot from him." "I can't think how," said the wife. "He's only tried it twice. The first time he was sick and the second time he lost his hat."

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