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A woman is furiously going at it with her husband's best friend when the phone rings. She hops out of bed to answer it. She says, "Hello. OK. Bye." "Who was that?" asks the guy. "Just my husband," she replies. "Oh, crap, I'd better get out of here. Did he say where he was?" "Don't worry," says the woman. "He said he's down at the bar playing a few games of pool with you."

Q: Why are condoms like cameras?
A: They both capture the moment.

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them. The nurse says, "The doctor wanted you to know he appreciates the business, so he left you a rose. Then your husband came in with a rose, stating that he can't wait to feel the results of the surgery, so he left a rose, too." "What about the third rose?" asks the patient. "Oh, that's from Ed in the burn unit. He wanted to say thanks for the new ears."

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? She kept having affairs with men.

A woman storms into the reception area of an eye surgeon's office. She shouts, "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday." Hearing the commotion, the doctor comes out and tries to calm her down. "I assure you no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he says. "Why do you think it was taken here?" "After the operation," the customer says, "I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly." "I think," says the surgeon, gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

Q: What's the difference between the Pope and your boss?
A: The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

The sailor came home from a secret two-year mission only to find his wife with a newborn baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. "Was it my friend Sam?" he demanded. "No," his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. "No," she said, growing even more upset. "Well, which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About two cans of hair spray.

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

The patient rushed in, frantic, screaming, "Doctor, I only have 60 seconds to live!" The doctor replied, "Give me a minute."

"Old Jethro's next door making moonshine again," the wife told her husband. "How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it?" "Nope," said the wife, "but a bunch of mice from his place came over here this morning and beat the crap out of our cats."

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." And he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer. For months. They began to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered. The man pondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in heaven." "Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "Come on!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant? She blew it both times.

A newcomer to Portland arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "How should I know? I'm only six."

A highway patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00. The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed. "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"

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