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Great Jokes (6283 bytes)

What follow are jokes, plain and simple. Jokes keep the wheels of our society spinning. They are perhaps the best examples of how we all take "Sips from the Dribble Glass of Life."

FRENCH VETERAN
Q: How can you recognize a French war veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.

CALLING IN SICK
A guy calls in sick to work. "What's wrong?" asks the boss. "I'm sick," the guy replies. "You sound all right to me," the boss snarls. "No, I'm really sick. Believe me." "Listen," says the boss, "you were fine yesterday, and we have a lot of work today. I want you in here. You can't be that sick!" "Dude, I just had sex with my sister. Don't tell me I'm not sick."

WATCH
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

HOME LATE
Every night after dinner, Merle took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, quite inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and always coming home in a drunken state. But Merle just continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Merle took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Merle in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Merle down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Merle, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" At that, in his inebriated state he replied, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

THE FUTURE
A distraught patient says to her psychiatrist, "Doctor, I keep seeing into the future!" The psychiatrist asks, "When did this start happening?" The woman replies, "Next Thursday."

BATTLE WOUNDS
A Civil War soldier awakens in a field hospital. He looks at the doctor and says, "Something is wrong, Doc. I can’t feel my leg!" "I know," the doctor replies. "We had to amputate your arms."

FRAMED PICTURE
After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly", she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That was me before the surgery."

DRINKING AGE
Q: Why did they raise the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
A: They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

POOR KITTY
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." The boy replied, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"

EATING CLOWN
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

HEALING POWERS
An elderly couple is watching a television evangelist one night. The preacher announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you and I will heal you." The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

SAD LIFE
Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

IN THE THICK OF TRAFFIC
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket and offers it to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

THE FLAT
A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?" He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off anyway."

RHYTHM
Q: What do you call a couple that uses the rhythm method of birth control?
A: Parents.

ON A DUCK
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

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