An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an old Western town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a local, "What do you guys do around here for entertainment?" "You mean women?" asked the local. "We ain't got none around here, so mostly we have sex with sheep." "That's disgusting," cried the correspondent, "I've never heard of such moral degradation." However, after a few months, the correspondent's rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive. So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations. Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares. "You bunch of hypocrites!" the reporter yelled. "You've been doing it with sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me like I'm some sort of crazy pervert!" One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, "Yeah, but that's the sheriff's gal!"
THE "F" WORD
Q: How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "f" word?
A: Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
NEW FOR MOM
After coming home sad from a date, a young woman told her mother: "Tom proposed to me tonight." "So, why are you unhappy?" her mother asked. "Because he told me he's an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." "Marry him anyway," her mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
A GREAT JOB
"I found a great job," a man says to his wife. "A 10:00 a.m. start, a 6:00 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends, and it pays $2,000 a week in cash!" "That's unbelievable," says the wife. "I know," says the husband. "You start Monday."
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
A patient says, "Doc, I feel like I'm shrinking." The doctor replies, "Well, you'll just have to be a little patient."
A couple met at a golf resort and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over. "It's only fair to warn you, Judy, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so will I," she said. "I'm a hooker." "I see," said Bill as he thought for a moment. "Well, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a palm reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For 15 dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?" "Love line? No, from the calluses."
Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
A: They're hiring.
WIFE WINS LOTTERY
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the damn lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my gosh, this is great! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" She yells back, "It doesn't matter, just get the hell out!"
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."
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