Q: What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A: A pimp.
Two guys are chatting at a bar, complaining about their wives. "My wife is really dumb," says the first guy. "Last week she bought a brand-new car, and she doesn't even know how to drive." "That's nothing," says the second guy. "Last week, I found a bunch of condoms in my wife's purse, and she doesn't even have a penis!"
Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A: Well hung.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the besteverything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon observes, "The French are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."
Q: Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A: A different bar.
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is aspirin and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean, as is the rest of the house. Taking the aspirins he notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." In the kitchen is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3:00 a.m., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!'"
Did you hear about the blonde coyote? It got caught in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
TOGETHER AT LAST
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has seven children. Eventually, her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 10 children by her next husband. Eventually, he dies. Soon after her second husband's death she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."
CHANGE OF POSITIONS
A man said to his wife, "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?" "OK," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and watch TV."
RULES OF THE POOL
Little Billy is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "But everyone pees in the pool," said Billy. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
A blond called the fire department. She screams into the phone, "Hurry, come quick! My house is on fire!" The fireman replied, "OK, but how do we get to your house?" The blond said, "Uh, red truck!"
The patient says to his doctor, "Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" The doctor replies, "Come on, pull yourself together."
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25-year-old." The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50-year-old ass?" She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
SHOWERS AND BATHS
Q: Why do men take more showers than baths?
A: Because peeing in a bath is disgusting.
Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his member on the counter and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute, then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
Q: What do you call a woman who knows exactly where her husband is every night?
A: A widow.
Tony fixed himself a Scotch while waiting for Maria to get ready for their date. She came out of the shower wrapped in a bath towel and said, "I'm sorry I'm late, but I was shopping and lost track of time. Would you like to see me in my new dress?" "I'd like nothing better," said Tony.
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