A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. "Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?" "No," says the guy, "but I have two daughters who are dancers."
A couple is attending an art exhibit and they are looking at a portrait that has them taken aback. The picture depicts three black, naked men sitting on a park bench-two have a black penises, the one in the middle has a pink penis. As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it." The man says, "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have three black men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis while the other two have black penises." The Irish artist says, "Oh, you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Irish coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."
CREAM AND SUGAR
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The busy waitress gives him coffee and rushes off to help other customers. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar. The waitress rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the counter where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full. She returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?" The man says, "Two would be fine." She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" She asks. The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "I don't think so!"
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
MY WIFE'S PANTIES
Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." "I know the feeling," the other says. "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."
Experts agree that over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections that can't remember what to do with them.
ACTS OF SIN
A sexy woman moved into a small town and all the guys wanted to sleep with her, but she wasn't going for it. She had taken a position with the local church and her religious upbringing kept her away from the throngs of lusty males in town. Finally, one of the more attractive hunks in town finally was able to ask her out. That night they ended up in bed together. Afterward she said, "Well now I'm in trouble. I committed two acts of sin tonight." "What do you mean two acts of sin?" he asked. "Well," said the woman, "aren't we going to do that again?"
An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"
A man walked up to a farmhouse and knocked on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave. Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned. Sure enough, the next day, the man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?" "Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to stay the hell away from my wife!"
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this guy asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, well, "female juices." "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've got to admit, I've got one hell of a mustache!"
A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
Every Saturday morning the husband goes fishing. He gets up early, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. So, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his lunch, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck. Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down in a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 miles per hour. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to check the weather forecast. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "I know, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
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