A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. "Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?" "No," says the guy, "but I have two daughters who are dancers."
Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." "I know the feeling," the other says. "No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A man walked up to a farmhouse and knocked on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave. Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned. Sure enough, the next day, the man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?" "Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to stay the hell away from my wife!"
Two men are discussing their marriages. One says to the other, "I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows. They've never tried.
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this guy asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, well, "female juices." "But you're balder than I am," protested the customer. "True," admitted the barber, "but you've got to admit, I've got one hell of a mustache!"
A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
A small boy hears strange noises coming from his parents' room in the middle of the night, so he decides to investigate. As he entered his parents' bedroom, he was shocked to see his mother and father in the throes of passion. "Dad!" the boy shouted, "What are you doing?" "It's OK, son," replied his father. "Your mother wants to have another baby, that's all." The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother on her knees gratifying his father. "Dad!" the boy shrieked, "What are you doing now?" "Son, there's been a slight change in plans," his dad replied. "Now she wants a BMW."
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blonde's pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
THE WRONG IDEA
The attractive young woman was about to go to bed with her blind date when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!" "I believe you," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. "You're the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" he asked. "No, silly," she replied. "The first one to believe me!"
Q: Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?
A: Because Italians don't like any witnesses.
In California, there's a six-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this for a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
A SERIOUS PROBLEM
"Doctor!" complained the patient. "I have a serious problem. I can never remember what I just said." The doctor asked, "When did you first notice this problem?" The patient replied, "What problem?"
A businessman comes home from work, and before he can even say anything to his wife, she greets him with a deep, passionate kiss. Then she pulls him into the bedroom, pushes him down on the bed, unzips his fly and shows him a great time. Afterward, he stares fondly at her, then asks, "All right, what did you do to the car this time?"
Two Iranians meet in Miami. One starts to greet the other in Farsi, the language of their native country. The other Iranian waved him away contemptuously and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"
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