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A cop was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing toward the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about 12 minutes she'll be 16."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So, the vet picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet. "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No," says the vet, "because he's really heavy."

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

A man and his son are walking down the street when they see a big dog having sex with a small poodle. The son asks the father, "Daddy, what are they doing?" The man stumbles for a while, then calmly says, "Why, they're making a puppy, son." Later that evening during dinner, the wife is pressuring the man to go upstairs with her, so they do. The son goes in his room and tries to fall asleep, but there just is too much noise going on in the room next door. So he creeps out of bed, goes in the hallway and opens the other room. There he sees his mom lying on the bed on her back, totally naked, and his father is on top of her grinding away. So the son asks, "Daddy, what are you doing?" Again, the man stumbles a little and says, "Why, we're making you a little brother or sister, son." So the boy goes, "Well, turn her over. I want a puppy!"

A clearly depressed man is chatting with his buddy. His friend asks why he's so glum. The guy says, "I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building."

An American, a Spaniard and a Frenchman are walking on a beach when they discover a genie's lamp. The American rubs the lamp and the genie appears in a puff of blue smoke. She announces to the trio that they will receive a total of three wishes, one each, so they should consider their wishes wisely. The Spaniard is first, and asks the genie to make his country fruitful, his countrywomen beautiful and his traditions preserved. The genie grants the wish. The Frenchman is second. "I'm sick and tired of my homeland being invaded every half century. I would like an impenetrable wall built to protect my beloved France, one which no one can scale." The genie grants the wish. The American thinks for a moment, and asks the genie, "I'm curious about this wall. How big is it?" The genie replies, "The wall around France is 150 high and 50 feet thick. It cannot be penetrated from either side, or climbed, and all the French people of the world are safe inside." "Great," says the American. "Fill it with water."

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," said the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to indulge with one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first." This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "But they probably weren't veterinarians."

Q: Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
A: Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car—both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

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