SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE
Q: Is it wrong to have sex before you're married?
A: Only if you're late for the ceremony.
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said that they were four for a dollar. The nuns said agreed to purchase four. The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when there were only three of them. A nun answered back, "Well, we could always eat one."
MEDIUM AND RARE
Q: What's the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
A woman has been married for seven years, has six kids and is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes to talk to her priest and the priest tells her to go buy a ten-gallon bucket and to stick her feet in it at night. She thanks him and goes off to do as he says. Six months later, the priest sees her and, sure enough, she is pregnant again. The priest asks her, "Didn't you follow my instructions?" She said, "Yes, but that I could not find a ten-gallon bucket, so I bought two five-gallon buckets."
Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
There were twin sisters at the nursing home and they were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "What did he say?" Her sister answered, "We've got to sit over there on the sofa." "Now get a little closer together," said the photographer. Again one sister asked, "What did he say?" The sister with good hearing said, "He says squeeze together a little." So, they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer. Yet again, "What did he say?" Her sister said, "He's going to focus!" With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "Oh my God. Both of us?"
BEST BIRTH CONTROL
Q: What's the best form of birth control after age 50?
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told.
Some guys were kicking back at a bar after work. Dave showed up particularly late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned and said, "Times they are getting tough. I mean, just today, my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can't believe it." His friend Bob put his hand on Dave's shoulder and said, "You think you've got it bad, she's cut me off altogether."
Q: What's the definition of "teenager"?
A: God's punishment for enjoying sex.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Q: What's the definition of "eternity"?
A: The length of time between when you finish and when she leaves.
Q: Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
A: Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the sex education class uses it.
ON THE BUS
A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?
A PRAYER BEFORE BED
On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."
Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?
A: Never been fired, dropped only once.
KILLING HIM SOFTLY
A woman walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" The lady says, "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason," says he druggist. The woman then reaches into her purse, pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position and shows it to the druggist. The druggist is shocked to see that the woman in the photo is his own wife, and the man is the woman's husband. The druggist looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription!"
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