What follow are jokes, plain and simple. Jokes keep the wheels of our society spinning. They are perhaps the best examples of how we all take "Sips from the Dribble Glass of Life."
Q: How can you pick out a paranoid woman?
A: She's the one putting a condom on her vibrator.
Bob knocked on the door of the house where a cab driver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said Bob. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip $20, as an initiation fee, through the mail slot," answered the voice. Bob put the money in the mail slot, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed Bob, "I want to get screwed!" "What," said the female voice, "again?"
Q. What's the slogan for the new tampon?
A. "We may not be number one, but we're still up there!"
SPEEDOS AND A POTATO
Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make progress with any of the girls, so he heads over to the guard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him. "Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing those baggy swim trunks that make you look like an old geezer. Grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato inside. I'm telling you, man, you'll have all the babes you want!" The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his new Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's even worse than before. Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick. So, Brad goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?" "Dude!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"
LIGHT AND HARD
Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.
A farmer has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he understood. A week later, his second son approaches him wanting a new bike. Well, he gets the same excuse, "As soon as the tractor is paid for." Shortly after that, the farmer's youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, old dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself. His dad says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that." The little boy says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid off!"
YOGURT AND OYSTERS
Q: Why do they say eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but for some reason the tomatoes won't ripen. So, she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?" Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark, go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see." The woman figures it can't hurt, so she does it. The next day, her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."
Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out.
A couple goes to a marriage counselor and the wife complains that the husband has several annoying habits. He picks his nose, he pulls all the bedcovers off her and onto himself each night, and he insists on being on top during sex. The husband admits she's right, but says adamantly that he's just following the three pieces of sage advice his late father gave him before he passed on: 1) Keep your nose clean, 2) cover your ass, and 3) don't screw up.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. ''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter. The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?'' The Russian says, ''What's a steak?'' The New Yorker says, ''What's 'excuse me'?''
UP TO HIS NECK
Q: What can you assume when you find a lawyer buried up to his neck in cement?
A: Someone ran out of cement.
Little Billy was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very large breast and started the feeding. "Dad," Billy said, "What's that woman doing to that baby?" His father replied, "Relax, son. She's just feeding him." Billy blurted out, "Are you nuts? There's no way he'll eat all of that!"
TWO WORDS FOR YOU
Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and put her hand on his manhood. Furious, Linda opened the door and jumped out of the car. "I've got just two words for youdrop dead," she screamed. Roger screamed back, "And I've got just two words for youlet go!"
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later, the father heard a blood-curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet!" The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't curse or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' Well, I guess I just panicked."
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