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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

A big woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar. She raised her right arm revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. At the end of the bar a skinny little drunk slammed his hand on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned again to the patrons and pointing around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, asked, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the little drunk slapped his hand down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina a drink." The bartender approached the drunk and asked, "Say, it's your business, of course, if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Sir, to me, any woman who can lift her leg that high must be a ballerina."

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as a choir boy.

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below the surface. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went down another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver then swam down yet another 20 feet, and minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof clipboard and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and marker, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Q: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Married.

A businessman enters a bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long, but you've got to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

Q: What is the ultimate definition of courage?
A: Two cannibals having oral sex.

A guy's out jogging and he spots a brand new tennis ball lying in the road. He picks it up and slips it into his shorts' pocket. Later, he's standing on a corner waiting for the light to change. A blonde is standing next to him, and she sees the bulge in his shorts, so she says, "What's that?" He says, "Tennis ball." She says, "Oh, that must be painful—I had tennis elbow once."

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's often difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Joan invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude, then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom. "Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."

Buford comes home from work and his wife is in the kitchen on all fours, wearing nothing but her bathrobe, scrubbing the kitchen floor. He comes up behind her, lifts up her robe, makes love to her and then smacks her in the head. She screams, "Buford! I let you do something so nice—what'd you hit me for?" He says, "For not looking to see who it was!"

I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene." "Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Why do men have so much trouble making eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and10-year-old Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" Little Johnny takes a big puff on the cigar and says, "What the hell do you think?"

Reaching the top of a hill, an older bull was showing a younger bull his pasture one day. Down below were dozens of cows. The younger bull says, "Let's run down there and have sex with one of those cows." The wise old bull said, "Son, let's walk down there and have sex with them all."

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the local bar, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

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