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BAD OR TERRIBLE
A man sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. "Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." "That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
Q: What is the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.
Little Johnny was taking confession, when he told the priest he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked. The priest nodded and said, "Yes, Johnny, indeed it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have!"
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again, " she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day. He put her on every ride in the parkthe Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, a hotdog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy. Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
Q: What is the difference between frustration and panic?
A: Frustration is the first time you discover you can't do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can't do it the first time.
Q: What does it taste like when you give oral sex to an 80-year-old woman?
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four animals." The teacher asked, "Really, and what four animals would that be?" The little girl replied, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The main difference between men and women is that women need a reason to have sex, and men just need a place.
A little girl is talking to her mother and says, "Mommy, I just found out our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut!" The mother is in shock, but tries to keep her cool. The mother says, "You mean it's small?" The little girl replies, "No, it's salty."
Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them the most.
I went looking for a rest room and found two doors with pictures of dogs on them. I was completely baffled, so I searched out the manager and admitted that I couldn't tell the difference between the male dog and the female dog. "That's not the idea," the manager smiled and said. "One dog is a pointer, and the other is a setter."
A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Crap, I missed." The nun told him to watch his language. On his next swing, he missed again. "Crap, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the next tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. The sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Crap, I missed." A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes the nun dead in her tracks. From the sky comes a booming voice, "Crap, I missed."
A husband cuddles up to his wife and says, "Want a quickie?" The wife replies, "As opposed to what?"
The redneck farmer was disturbed when he found out his son was masturbating several times a day out in the barn. "Boy, you've got to quit that. Go out and get yourself a wife." So, the young man goes out and finds a pretty young girl and they are soon married. A week or so after the wedding, the farmer catches his son choking the chicken again. "You crazy boy!" the farmer yells, "That Mary's a fine young gal!" "I know Pop," says the son, "But her arm gets tired sometimes!"
Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A: A navel.
Two guys want to go drinking, but they only have a dollar between them. One of the fellows looks over at a hot dog wagon nearby, and has a sudden inspiration. He spends the dollar on a hot dog. He throws the bun away, and stuffs the hot dog down his underwear. "We're going walk into the bar, order beers and drink them down. When the bartender asks for payment, I'm going to whip this hot dog out of my fly and you're going to drop to your knees and start sucking on it. The bartender will be so shocked he'll throw us out of the bar. Our drinks won't cost us a cent," says the guy. They enter a bar and the gambit worked like a charm. After the seventh bar, they're both extremely drunk. One of them starts complaining, "Man, I'm starting to get bad bruises from dropping down on my knees." His companion slurred, "You think you got problems? I lost the hot dog four bars ago!"
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