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IN THE ATTIC
An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess." "It's worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors," said the elderly man. "You were both in great danger," replied the priest. "You would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. Heaven, in its wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and evil, and judge you kindly. You are forgiven." "Thank you, Father," said the elderly man, relieved. "That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question." "And what is that?" inquired the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?" said the man.
Q: What's the difference between West Virginia and Canada?
A: In Canada, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia, it's a misdemeanor.
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband has lost interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental. He instructs her to slip it into her husband's mashed potatoes at dinner. That night, she does. About a week later, the woman's back to see the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you suggested. It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, pushes all the dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravishes me right there on the table." The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. We'd be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We won't be going back to that restaurant anyway."
LAND OF THE FREE
The number of divorces in this country proves that this is the land of the free. The number of marriages proves that it is truly the home of the brave.
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get frisky?" The other replies, "Oh, sure I do." The first woman asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Ed's boat sinks and he's stranded on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. After about four months, he is lying on the beach when a gorgeous woman rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But you had no tools. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "I found a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that to make tools." Ed is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "Would you like to have a drink?" "No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still." Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable." When she returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months." He can't believe what he's hearing. He stammers, "You
mean I can check my e-mail from here?"
DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY
Have you heard about the prostitute with a degree in psychology? She'll blow your mind.
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table. "Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20." "Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied. "You can't make a living on that." "Oh, don't worry," the prostitute replied. "I do a little blackmail on the side!"
The new town pastor walked into a neighborhood pub, and stood quietly for a moment, watching everyone dancing in the place, which was hopping with music. Every once in a while the lights would go out and the whole place would erupt into cheers. After a few moments, though, the revelers caught sight of the pastor, and the room went dead silent. He walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "Well, there is life-sized statue of a naked woman in there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way." So, the clergyman proceeded to the restroom. The dancing and rowdiness resumed, and when the lights went out again, the crowd cheered even more wildly than before. After a few minutes, the preacher came back out. The crowd stopped dancing just long enough to give him an enthusiastic round of applause. The pastor went to the bartender and said, "I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us!" said the bartender. "I'm afraid I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on that statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place."
Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born?
A: It knocks the penises off of the dumb ones.
The salesgirl at the Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina. " What are you going to use it for?" she asked. "None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and offended. "Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl." The only reason I'm asking is because if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."
Cleaning out the aviary at a rundown zoo, the keeper finds two finches that have died of old age. He picks them up and places them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he puts the sack in his wheelbarrow and moves on to the next cage. When he reaches the primate cage he finds two chimps that have also died of natural causes. "Waste not, want not," he says as puts them in the sack with the finches. Later, at feeding time, he flips the dead animals from the sack, into the lion's cage. "Oh, hell!" roars one lion. "Not finch and chimps again!"
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