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A man went into a brothel in Las Vegas and said, "I'll give $20,000 to any woman here who'll come into the desert with me and do it my way." One of the ladies agreed, and off they went into the desert. After about an hour she gets curious, and asks him, "Just what is your way?" "On credit," he replies.
A lesbian goes to a gynecologist and the gynecologist says, "I must say, this is the cleanest vagina I've seen in ages." "Thanks," said the lesbian. "I have a woman in three times a week."
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "Heel!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"
The lady walks into a fish market and asks the owner, "How much are your crabs?" The owner scratches his head and says, "They're about a dollar a piece." "My, my," beamed the woman. "Shake hands with a millionaire!"
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks that maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him, and the woman sleeps soundly. The man wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but we got first and second place."
Q: What's the toughest thing about Rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents you're gay.
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor, "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm the egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!" Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball. When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm." The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a tonsil."
At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over-sexed blonde, was making overtures toward her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look lady, my husband just delivers babies, he doesn't install them!"
Three women walking down the street are discussing how they know they've had a good night. The first says, "I come home, get into bed and if I lay there and tingle all over, I know that I had a good night." The second one replies, "I come home, have a shower and a glass of wine, get into bed, and if I tingle all over, I know it was a good night." The third one turns around and says, "If I get home, rip off me panties, throw them against the wall, and they stick, then I know it was a good night!"
Q: Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is receiving oral sex from a 90-year-old woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is it?
A: Don't look down.
HOW MANY FINGERS
A woman is crossing the road when she gets run over. She is lying on the ground as the driver rushes out of the car to her. "Are you all right?" he asks her. "Everything is just a blur, I can't see anything," she says. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up?" he asks. "Oh, no!" she replies, "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down, too!"
Two men were talking. One said, "I'd love to be casseroled by a redhead." "What's that mean?" his puzzled friend said. The friend continued, "Casseroled is a cooking term meaning to be done slowly for a long time." The first man shrugged. "Exactly," he replied.
A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad. The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he felt great. The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he definitely felt great. The doctor got out his medical book and looked up "looks terrible." After he found that he looked up the subsection titled "feels great." The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels great.' The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell me, what is it?" The doctor replied, "According to my book, you're a vagina!"
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