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This married couple is having sex. Fifteen minutes has passed, then 30 minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them. The wife finally looks up and says, "What's the matter, honey, can't you think of anyone else, either?"
A couple that just met in a singles bar is having sex. The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?" He replies, "No." She responds, "Oh, thank goodness, I don't want to get that again!"
BILL AND MARY
Bill, Mary, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake. One day, Bill decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe. Seeing this, Mary hollered out to him, "Bill, what are you doing?" Bill replied "Woman, I'm leaving you!" Mary hollered "But Bill, what about our marriage?" Bill replied, "To hell with the marriage. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling. Mary hollered, "But Bill, what about our beautiful cabin?" Bill replied, "To hell with the cabin. Woman, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling. Mary hollered "But Bill, what about our beautiful children?" Bill replied, "To hell with the children, I'm leaving you!" He kept paddling across the lake. Then Mary hikes up her skirt, points to her privates and yells, "But Bill, what about this?" As Bill slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, "Someday I'm going to leave that damn woman."
Q: What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
A: An epileptic.
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks, they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your cloths, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced. She flew into an ecstatic frenzy. "If you think that was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait till I get both legs in there!"
A guy goes to a carnival and sees a sign that says, "Kisses, $5 to $50." He asks the gal, "Is the price difference due to the duration of the kiss?" To which she replies, "Nope. Lip placement."
A woman was looking into an expensive shop window admiring a pair of silver shoes when a guy sidled up beside her. "Like the shoes? I'll buy them for you if you if you come to bed with me." "Okay," she said, "but be warned, I don't like sex very much." He bought the silver shoes and took her back to his hotel where, once again, she emphasized her lack of enthusiasm. And, indeed, she just lay there motionless not giving him the slightest encouragement. So much so that he was getting bored himself. Whereupon, she suddenly lifted her legs high in the air and shouted, "Wow!" "I thought you didn't like sex," he said with mounting excitement. "I don't," said the woman, "but I just love these new silver shoes!"
Q: What do you get when you mix holy water with prune juice?
A: A religious movement.
The race car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter? Didn't I satisfy you?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'What a smooth finish.'" "Well, what's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt between my legs and yelled, 'Who the hell left the garage door open?'"
A man approaches a beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asks, "I've lost my girlfriend. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Sure, but I don't understand how that would help," the well-endowed beauty says. "Well," says the man, "every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has the generic name of acetominophen. Aleve is called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.
A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." The dentist says, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." The man replies, "Yes, I know." The dentist snaps back, "So why did you come in here?" The man says, "The light was on."
THICKER AND LONGER
A man goes into see his doctor. After all the tests, the doctor comes back into the room and tells the man, "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news." "What's the good news?" asks the man. "Well," says the doctor, "your penis is going to be three inches longer, and two inches thicker." "That's wonderful," says the man. "What's the bad news?" The doctor replies, "It's malignant."
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."
Mike picked up an attractive woman named Linda who flagged down his car in a seedy part of town. As they rode, he asked her what she did for a living. Linda winked at Mike and said, "I'm a magician." "No way," Mike scoffed. "Prove it." So Linda touched him on the thigh, and "poof," Mike turned into a hotel.
Two office workers and their boss are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first!" says the first employee. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof, she's gone. "Me next!" says the second employee. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life beside me." Poof, he's gone. "OK, you're up," the genie says to the boss. The boss says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Q: What's the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.
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