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A chubby woman was at her Weight Watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he'd rather have sex with a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the other woman replied, "what's wrong with that?" The first woman said, "He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asks. "No," he says, "But it kept me from finishing too fast."
Q: What do a vibrator and soybeans have in common?
A: They're both used as a meat substitute.
A farmer was arrested and sent to trial for having sex with one of his cows. During the arraignment, the judge looks at him with disgust and asks, "Son, what the hell were you thinking?" "Well," says the farmer, "I reckon I was thinking about a younger, hotter cow."
A cannibal turns to his buddy at dinner and says, "You know, I really hate my mother-in-law." His friend says, "Hey, no big deal, just eat the vegetables!"
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the hell is taking so long?" "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot." "Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it from the beer tap. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, I have two brothers. One's in Australia, the other's in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home, we promised we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits this is a nice custom. The cowboy becomes a regular, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to pry, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church so I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers, though."
MORE BAD NEWS
This guy goes to see his doctor. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the doc. "OK," says the patient, "give me the good news first." "Well," says the doctor, "they're going to name a disease after you!"
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket. The suspicious man opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
ATHEIST AND THE BEAR
An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees, what a powerful river, what beautiful animals," he thought. As he walked, he heard rustling behind him. Turning, he saw a 13-foot tall brown bear charging toward him. The man ran as fast as he could, but the bear was rapidly closing on him. He tried to run faster yet, but tripped and fell. The bear was right over him, raising its paw to strike, and he yelled, "Oh, my God!" Suddenly, time froze. The bear froze. The forest was silent. A brilliant light shone upon the man and a thunderous voice came from above, "You deny my existence all these years, and now you expect me to help you out of this predicament?" The atheist looked into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said God. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped onto its knees, brought its paws together, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive. Amen."
A man is wandering around a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Crisco!" Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five." "Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife." "Your wife is named Crisco?" the clerk asks. "No," he answered, "That's the name I use for her when we're in public. " "What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?" asks the clerk. "Lard ass."
One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At least he's learning something useful." Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him for dinner. She opens his door and sees him playing with himself. She says, "Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table."
Q: Why was the two-piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
NORMAL SEX LIFE
When the surgeon came to see his young blonde female patient on the day after her operation, she was slightly embarrassed. The doctor asked, "What's wrong?" "Well, this is a bit embarrassing for me, but just how long will it be before I can resume my normal sex life?" The doctor paused for a minute and appeared stunned. After a few minutes, the doctor stated, "You're the first patient to ever ask me that after a tonsillectomy."
After a long night of making love this guy rolls over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he said, hoping to be reassured. "No, no," she said. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Would you, huh? Would you?" The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no." The guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish when I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
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