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A husband and wife woke up late, badly hung over from a particularly wild party the night before. Bleary eyed, the man said to his wife, "Was it you I had sex with in the garden last night?" She struggled to bring him into focus. "About what time?" she replied.

"Calm down," said the school counselor to the shattered mom. "It's perfectly normal. Many boys Johnny's age masturbate." "I know," sobbed his red-eyed mother, wiping the tears with her handkerchief, "but not in church."

Chris and Paul were having a beer at the neighborhood bar. "What's the matter?" asked Chris of his buddy. "You look kind of down." "My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin," said Paul. "Why's that?" asked Chris. "Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster," said Paul.

Two Italian men are on a bus. They engage in an animated conversation. The lady behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," interjects the woman, indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak in pubic places about our sex lives." "Hey, settle down, lady," said the man. "Who's talking abouta sexa? I'ma just telling my frienda how to spella Mississippi."

Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
A: You don't have to ask. You can see who the best man is.

Gary and Martin were standing at their respective urinals when Gary glanced over and noticed Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew. "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before." "Like what?" Martin said. "All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said. "Well, what's yours like?" Martin said. "Straight, like normal," Gary said. "I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said. Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his member a shake prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin asked. "Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal." "Damn," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

A man walks into a dentist's office and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth." The dentist replies, "You don't need a dentist, you need a psychiatrist." The man says, "Yes, I know." The dentist asks, "Then why did you come in here?" The man says, "The light was on."

An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There were two teenage boys in line behind him. They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was. After five minutes of this, the man turned to the boys and asked them politely to stop, as he couldn't help his weight problem. With this, the boys asked, "Oh, really? Then why are you so fat, mister?" The man turned around and replied, ""Well, every time I have sex with your mother, she gives me a cookie."

Q: What's the ultimate embarrassment for a guy?
A: Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking your nose.

A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods," replies his wife. "Tiger Woods the golfer? Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" says the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh, yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "What are you doing?" She says. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time. When they finish he's exhausted. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No, I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."

The husband says, "Put your coat on, I'm going to the bar." His surprised wife says, "You're taking me out for a drink?" The husband says, "Don't be silly. I'm turning off the heat."

Mary Katherine entered the monastery. The priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for five years before the priest said to her, "Mary Katherine, you have been here for five years. You can speak two words." Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the priest said, "we will get you a better bed." After another five years, Mary Katherine was called by the priest. "You may say another two words, Mary Katherine." "Cold food," said Mary Katherine, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today." "I quit," said Mary Katherine. "It's probably best," said the priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

An old man goes to a gypsy to ask him if he can remove a curse he's been living with for 40 years. The gypsy says, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased. He says, "The bull has serviced all my cows, broke through the fence, and has serviced all my neighbor's cows." "Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?" "Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer. "What kind of pills?" asked the banker. "I don't know," says the farmer, "but they sort of taste like peppermint."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."

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