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IN MOURNING
A woman loses her husband and can't seem to get past the mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, the woman says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet." The two hit it off. After dating for six weeks, the woman's new beau asks her to join him for a weekend away. Their first night there, they both undress. He's nude, but she's wearing a pair of black lace panties. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." The following night, it's the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except he's wearing a black condom. She looks at him and asks, "What's with the black condom?" He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

THREE TYPES
Q: What are the three types of men?
A: The handsome, the caring and the majority.

TRAINED FROG
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give oral sex." "Oral sex?" the woman exclaimed. "I haven't witnessed it myself, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman was skeptical, but thought it would be a great gag gift, so she bought the frog. When she explained the frog's ability to her husband, he was even more skeptical than his wife and laughed it off. In the middle of the night, the woman was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making deafening sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to discover her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone."

ON THE MOON
A retired astronaut opened an unsuccessful restaurant on the moon. The food was great, but there just was no atmosphere.

BODYBUILDERS
Q: What do you call a bodybuilder with a big penis?
A: A beginner.

APPLAUSE
The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for a dancer from a nearby town. She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for five minutes. For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and g-string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes. The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale. For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But 10 minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage. The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?" She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

POOR NUN
One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road. After looking at her for a moment, he ran over, tackled her and proceeded to beat her up. Some people passing by spotted this and called the police. As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs he looked back and said, "Hell, I thought you'd be tougher than that, Batman."

MAKING BABIES
One afternoon, a little girl returned home from school and announced that a friend had told her where babies come from. Amused, her mother replied, "Why don't you tell me all about it?" The little girl explained, "Well, mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes, and the daddy's thingy stands up, and then the mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes, and that's how you get babies." Her mother shook her head, leaned over to meet her eye-to-eye, and said, "Oh, honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get babies. That's how you get jewelry."

BAGPIPERS
Q: Why do bagpipers walk as they play?
A: To get away from the sound.

A BORING LIFE
Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, "Life is so boring, we never have any fun these days. For five bucks, I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!" "You're on!" said the other guy, holding up five dollars. As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the town hall. His friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The streaker burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "Wow, what happened?" asked his friend. "It was great!" he said, "I won first prize for best dried arrangement!"

RETIREMENT
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year.

I WISH
Two intoxicated men were thrown out of a bar. While walking down the street, they came across a dog, sitting on the curb, licking its privates. The men stand there watching, and after awhile one says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that." The other man looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first."

EXTRA STRENGTH
A guy walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I'm having three girls over tonight. I need help." The pharmacist hands the guy Viagra Extra Strength and says, "Take all these and you'll go berserk for 12 hours." The next day the same guy walks into the drugstore, limps up to the pharmacist, and drops his pants. His penis is all bruised and tied in a knot, and skin is hanging off in some places. He says, "Give me a tube of Icy Hot." The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Icy Hot on that!" "No, it's for my wrists," the guy moans. "The girls never showed up."

FIRMER
One day, a husband and wife were in the bathroom. The wife got out of the shower and the husband grabbed her boobs and said, "If these were firmer, you wouldn't need a bra." The wife was hurt, but ignored his comment. The next week, the two were in the bathroom again. While the wife was getting out of the shower, he grabbed her rear and said, "If your behind was firmer, you wouldn't need a girdle." The wife plotted her revenge. One day, a week later, as the husband was getting out of the shower, the wife grabbed his manhood and said, "If this was a little bit bigger, I wouldn't need your brother."

LONGER
Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?

LOWER IT
A 90-year-old man went to see his doctor. The doctor asked him what the problem was. The man replied, "Well, doctor, it's my sex drive." The doctor looked at the man, who was in poor health, could hardly walk and was missing a few teeth, and asked, "What about your sex drive?" The man responded, "I want you to lower it." The confused doctor gave the man a quick exam. Afterward, the doctor was still puzzled about the man's problem. "I'm sorry," the doctor told him, "but I see nothing so extraordinary about your sex drive. It's all in your head." "I know," the man responded. "That's why I want you to lower it!"

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