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A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. Suddenly, the game warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The game warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his knees to catch his breath. The game warden finally caught up. "Let's see your fishing license," the warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the game warden, "you don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he doesn't have one."
Q: What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
A: Michael Jackson has had more noses.
During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "but then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "All right, then. Just tell my wife!"
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mom?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times," the older woman said. "You mean he got fresh?" the concerned daughter asked. "No," her mother said, "I thought he was dead!"
Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.
A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say 'good-bye Grandpa?'" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day, the girl's grandfather died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. The father began to think his daughter was in contact with the other side. Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." The father practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was a nervous wreck all day. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home, his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, the postman dropped dead on our porch."
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came to an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large burlap sacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later, the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there, the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three burlap sacks." The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow," so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."
Two elderly residents of a retirement home were sitting alone in the lobby one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know what you're thinking, and for five bucks, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair." The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10, I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life." The old lady still said nothing. After a few minutes, she started digging into her purse. She pulled out a wrinkled $20 bill and held it up. "So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" said the old man. "Get serious!" replied the old lady. "I want it four times in the rocking chair."
Q: How do you get two bagpipers to play in unison?
A: Shoot one!
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines. The son turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."
Ma is outside hanging up the laundry, when she hears Pa in the kitchen. Ma walks in and says, "Pa, get out there and fix that there outhouse." Pa says, "All right, Ma." Pa walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Ma, there ain't nothing wrong with this here outhouse!" Ma says, "Yes there is, put your head down in the hole." Pa says, "I ain't putting my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Well you're gonna have to if you're gonna fix the problem!" So wearily, and to avoid further debate, Pa puts his head down in the hole and hollers, "Ma, there ain't nothing wrong with this here outhouse!" Ma hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole." Pa goes to lift up his head and then starts hollering, "Ow! Ow! Ma, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!" "Yeah, Pa, aggravating, ain't it?" Ma hollered back.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she will not change, and she does.
A couple purchased a talking parrot on their honeymoon, much to the groom's annoyance, since the bird did a running commentary on their lovemaking. The groom finally threw a towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if it didn't quit. The next morning, packing to return home, the newlyweds couldn't close a large suitcase. "Honey," the groom said, "you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success. Then the man said, "Let's both get on top and try." At that point, the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I've got to see!"
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