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LOST DAD
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women!"

GOING TO THE DOCTOR
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife says, "Where are you going?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Are you sick?" "No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So, his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat. He said, "Where are you going?" She said, "I'm going to the doctor, too." He said, "Why?" She said, "If you going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

HARD JOB
Q. What is the hardest job in China?
A. Skywriter.

SEX ON MARS
Mike and Maureen landed on Mars. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of things. Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen. The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensued and finally the couples decided to swap partners for the night. Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a very small member no more than half-an-inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen. "Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider. "Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples joined their normal partners. As they walked along Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

ANYTHING YOU SAY
One evening, a female police officer pulled a man over for DUI, and said, "You are under arrest. Anything you say, can and will be held against you. Do you want to say anything?" The drunk replied, "Nice boobs."

PERCEPTION
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

DEPRESSED MAN
A depressed man walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. "Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second drink. "No wonder you needed such a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked, "So, what did you do?" "Well, I walked over to my wife, looked her straight in the eye and told her we were through." The man continued, "Then, I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "Good for you," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye, and said, 'Bad dog!'"

DARK AND HARD
Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.

WET CIGARETTE
Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. The lady asked, "What's that?" "A condom," the other lady responded. "This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." "Where did you get it?" the other lady asked. "You can get them at any drugstore." The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely, but politely asks what brand she prefers. "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

PIERCINGS
Q: How did the blonde get her ears pierced?
A: Answering the stapler.

FAVORITE PETS
An elderly woman walked into a taxidermist shop carrying the bodies of a deceased male and female monkey. She explained they were her favorite pets and she missed seeing them around very much. "Do you want them mounted?" the taxidermist asked. "Oh, no, standing side-by-side will be just fine."

PERSONAL QUESTION
A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her. "I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is." "OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?" "I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!" "Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living from it."

HEARING AID
An elderly man and woman were talking, and the man said, "Hey I just bought a new hearing aid the other day-the best hearing aid I've ever had. The thing cost over $4,000." "Great! What kind is it?" the woman asked. "About 12:30," said the man.

BOXING
A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed. It was all over in four minutes." The wife replies, "Good! Now you know how I feel."

PROPER STEPS
As he cross-examined the coroner, the defense attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?" "No," the coroner replied. "Oh? Did you check for breathing?" "No." "So when you signed the death certificate," the attorney asked with a smirk, "you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" "Let me put it this way," the badgered coroner replied. "The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But," he added, "I guess that he could still be out there practicing law somewhere."

LESBIAN FROGS
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: Hey, we do taste like chicken!

GOING CRAZY
A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful. Every evening, she goes to Manny's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her, and she'll do whatever they want. I'm going crazy! What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor. "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now tell me, where exactly is Manny's bar?"

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