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LOCAL SPECIALTY
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. "Señor, these are the cojones," the waiter replied. "The what?" the tourist exclaimed. "They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," said the waiter. The tourist gulped, but tasted the dish anyway. He found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished, the tourist commented to the waiter, "Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday." "True, señor," agreed the waiter. "You see, the bull, he does not always lose."

COUNSELOR VISIT
A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, "What's the problem?" She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."

SEX AND PERFORMANCE
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, like a marathon race, does not impair an athlete's abilities. In fact, men have known about this for centuries. Want proof? After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

MAJOR DIFFERENCE
The major difference between death and taxes is that Congress can't make death any worse than it is.

TWO DWARFS
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two women and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again! One, two, three, uh," all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

MAD COW
So a guy and his wife arrives from a business trip and goes to his favorite steakhouse unaware of the mad cow outbreak in his town. The waiter sits them and says, "Our special today is duck or shrimp." The man replies, "I want a T-bone steak medium well." The waiter a bit miffed continues, "What about the mad cow?" The man looks at the waiter and says, "She can order for herself."

NAM VET
Q: How many Viet Nam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: "You don't know! You weren't there!"

YOU COULD HAVE
A husband and wife are on a road trip. They decide to stop at a hotel. They take a room and when they check out, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replies. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But, sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

BIG DIFFERENCE
Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a nymphomaniac?
A: A hunting dog sics a duck.

NAMING NAMES
Q: Why do men name their sexual organs?
A: We don't want a total stranger making most of our decisions.

COLD WATER
A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a secluded, rural area. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?" Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal." That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!" So Grandpa shouted, "Cold Water, get out of the way!"

PIECE OF PAPER
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on." The next morning, his wife came up behind him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. The wife said, "Your dog called last night."

BUTTONS
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragilescent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

BLONDE PHARMACISTS
Q: Why aren't blondes allowed to be pharmacists?
A: Because they keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriter.

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