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An older man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning 80 tomorrow. I've hired a prostitute for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something to help?" The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this because it's so strong, but I can make an exception for one night." Later that evening, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?" "Fabulous," the old man said. "I've finished three times already." "That's great," the doctor said. "The young woman you hired must be astounded." "Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet."
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.
UGLY AND PALE
A woman standing naked in front of a bedroom mirror says to her husband, "Honey, I look fat, ugly, and pale. Give me a compliment to cheer me up." The husband thinks for a second and replies, "At least there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
MAKE YOU PAY
Ernie is very upset and yells at his friend Sam, "You slept with my wife, you bastard! I am going to make you pay for what you did." "Yeah, right," replies Sam, "why should I pay twice?"
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a little stowed away rum. Unfortunately, he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk, and when the first mate was sober, showed him the following entry in the ship's log, "The first mate was drunk today." "Captain," the mate said, "please don't let that stay in the log. This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself." "Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer. "Yes, it's true" the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain, sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote, "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."
BORN WITHOUT EARS
John, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new employee. He set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, John asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. John didn't appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman with tons of experience. She was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said, "you have no ears." John again got upset and tossed her out. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman that the first two put together. John was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man, "Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses." John was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses when you haven't got any frigging ears!"
Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
KODAK FILM AND CONDOMS
Q: What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
A: Both capture the moment.
This guy buys some new underwear from a department store. He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store. When it's his turn at the customer service window, the lady asks him why he's returning the underwear. The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever heard of the ballroom in the Washington Monument?" The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?" The man snaps, "Exactly!"
WHAT DADDY DOES
Two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted on the playground. "My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Adam," replied the second. "My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua. Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Joshua. "No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was a gorgeous blonde. He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom." The barmaid knew the bathroom was around the corner, so she accepted the bet. Mickey took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink and went to the bathroom. Upon his return, he said, "I bet I can bite my own ear." The bet was accepted. This time, Mickey took out his false teeth and nipped his ear. Once again, he scooped up the money. "Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing." Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet. So, off they went. A few minutes later, the woman giggled, "I can feel you." "Oh well," Mickey grinned, "You win some, you lose some!"
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. One of the guests asked, "What's that big brass gong?" "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yep," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You jackass, it's ten past three in the morning!"
Typos: The Greek god of spelling errors.
The redneck patient was being warned by a doctor at the local health clinic. "Until the penicillin cleans out your infection," the doctor instructed, "you are not to have any relations whatsoever!" Pausing for a moment, the patient replied, "Okay, but what about friends and neighbors?"
ANY TIME, ANYWHERE
A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?" She turns to him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter." He says, "No kidding. Which law firm do you work for?"
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