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MEN AND WOMEN
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom asks Eric what the problem is. "Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those women's questions women ask. Now I'm in trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Tom. "My wife asked if I'd still love her when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will.'" "Yeah," said Eric, "Right, except I said 'Of course I do.'"
THE GOOD NEWS
Ms. Smith and Little Johnny's father were having a parent-teacher conference. Ms. Smith said to Johnny's father, "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son." Little Johnny's father asked, "What's that?" The teacher replied, "With grades like these, he couldn't possibly be cheating."
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" The bartender says, "As a matter of fact, we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist customer of ours. It is a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and Smirnoff vodka." The guy asks, "Yeah? What's it called?" The bartender says, "We call it a Pabst Smir."
WHAT DO YOU CALL
Q: What do you call a leper in a Jacuzzi?
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy, Daddy, Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You jerk," yells the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
Q: Why did the blonde have square boobs?
A: She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
John was talking to Alan. "So, Alan, how's it going with the ladies?" "Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects," said Alan. John asked, "Really?" "Yep," said Alan, "whenever I mention sex, they object."
Bubba was fixing a door and he discovered it needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness," said Mary Louise, "that sure is a lot of money!" She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the back room to find one. From the back room, Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" The woman replied, "On my testicles."
Q: What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Greece?
A: A brothel.
THE BLONDE AND THE K-9
The police department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first on the scene. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"
A 23-year-old girl married a man of 84, and her girlfriend asked how things went. "Well," said the young bride, "did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank?"
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. " He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand," says Sean. "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licking he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Q. Why do Canadians only make love doggy style?
A. So they can both watch the hockey game.
Q: Why did God create lesbians?
A: So feminists wouldn't breed.
Two dumb guys decide they want to go back to school. When they get to the nearest high school, Jay tells Bob to wait outside and he'll go in and get them qualified as students. When Jay meets the principal, he tells him his story, and why they want to come back to school. In turn, the principal agrees. The principal says, "Well, I'm not sure what class we should start you two off with, but I would suggest a logic class." Jay replies, "Logic class, what's that?" The principal says, "Well, it teaches you that you can figure out things from a given amount of information. I'll give you an example, do you own a lawnmower?" Jay nods. "Okay, so that probably means you own a house." Jay nods again. "That means you probably have a wife, and are heterosexual." Jay nodded again, he was in awe. He went back outside to Bob, and told him their first class would be Logic. Bob says, "Logic? What's that?" Jay says, "All right, I'll give you an example, do you own a lawnmower?" Bob shook his head and said, "No." To which Jay replied, "Oh, my God, I never knew you were gay!"
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