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Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
I DON'T GET IT
Joe and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Joe was looking really down in the dumps. "What's the matter?" Bill asked. "I don't get it," Joe sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing. There are so many people you have to please. Like this one woman. She liked me, her mother liked me, but her father hated me. Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really liked me, but she didn't like me. And then there was this woman I met last night. She absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, but her husband couldn't stand me!"
A man walked briskly into the drug store, went over to the pharmacist and said, "I would like a box of Sex-Lax." The pharmacist smiled and replied, "You must mean Ex-Lax." "No," the man responded, "I don't have any trouble going."
Little Johnny walks up to his aunt and says, "My God, Aunt Edna, why are you so damned ugly?" His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen and screamed, "How could you say to your aunt is so damned ugly?" "Because she is," said Little Johnny. His mother said, "You go back in there and apologize to her, right now! I mean it, you tell her you're sorry!" Little Johnny goes into the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so damn ugly."
SURE OF ONE THING
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new, or the wife is.
A guy takes a blonde out on a date. They end up parked at a Lover's Point where they start making out. After things start getting good, the guy thinks he might get lucky, so he asks her, "Do you want to go in the back seat?" "No!" she answers. Okay, he thinks, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her blouse and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat? "No!" she answers again. Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she has to want to now. "Do you want to go in the back seat?" he asks again. "No!" she answers yet again. Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?" She says, "Because I want to stay up here with you!"
Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
A: Michael Jackson.
TWO OR THREE
A man was wandering around a fairground and saw a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah," said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of three children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what you think."
Two students were taking a college chemistry course. They did pretty well on all the work going into the final. They did so well, in fact, that they each had a solid A grade. Having such a good grade made them so cocky that they decided to party with some friends rather than study before their final exam. They had such a good time, they didn't get back on campus until early on the morning of the final. Rather than take the final in their condition, they told the professor that they had been on their way back in plenty of time to study but got a flat tire. They had no spare and had great difficulty getting help, so they asked to take a makeup exam at a later date. The professor agreed they could take the test the next day. The students were overjoyed and studied that night, confident they would keep their good grade. They were on time at the examination hall and were placed in separate rooms. Each was handed a test booklet and told to begin. The first problem was quite easy and worth five points. Their confidence soared even higher! They completed the problem and turned the page. It said, "For 95 points, which tire?"
BEFORE AND AFTER
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love. After marriage, it's self-defense.
WHO AM I
One Monday morning, a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes, Bob the homeowner is coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow, Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party this weekend," the mailman comments. Bob replies, "We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over and things got a bit wild. We got so drunk that we started playing 'Who Am I?'" The mailman says, "How do you play that?" Bob continues, "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our units showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." The mailman laughs and says, "I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name was guessed four or five times."
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
A family was having dinner. For some reason, the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know?" she asked. "Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you didn't even tell me so much as a 'thank you.'" "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."
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