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MAN OF THE HOUSE
The husband had just finished a book titled, "Man of the House." He stormed into the house and walked right up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director?" said his wife.
For more than an hour, a man sat at a bar staring into his glass. Suddenly a burly truck driver sat down next to him, grabbed the guy's drink and gulped it down. The poor fellow burst into tears. "Oh, come on, pal," the truck driver said. "I was just joking. Here I'll buy you another one." "No, that's not it," the man blubbered. "This has been the worst day of my entire life. This morning I was late for work and ended up getting fired. When I left the office I found my car had been stolen, so I had to walk 10 miles to get home. Then I walked in and found my wife with another man, so I came here. And just when I'm about to end it all, you show up and drink my poison!"
Q: What is the most intelligent organ in a woman's body?
A: A penis.
JUST A WARNING
A driver was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of pleading, trying to get out of the ticket. The policeman says, "Okay, I'll ask you a question. If you answer correctly, I'll make this a warning." "Agreed!" answers the speeder. "You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy, it's a car," said the driver. "Sure, but what kind of car? Is it a Ford, a Toyota? Is it a Volkswagen?" says the policeman, and continues to write the ticket. "Wait, give me another chance!" begs the guy. "Okay, but this is your last chance. If you get it wrong, you get the ticket. Now, you're driving at night, and one light appears in front of you. What is it?" "That's easy," says the driver. "It's a motorcycle!" The cop says, "Sure, but what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? A Yamaha? A Harley?" "How should I know?" yells the driver. "Sorry, I've got to write the ticket!" responds the officer. "Yeah, well okay. But let me ask you a question, too, then." "Go ahead," said the officer. "You see a bare-breasted woman standing at the curb, bargaining with clients at the side of the road, what is it?" asks the guy. "Oh, that's easy!" replies the officer. "It's a hooker!" "Sure," said the driver, "but is it your mother, your sister, your daughter?"
HOW CAN YOU TELL
Q: How can you tell when a man's had an orgasm?
A: From the snoring.
THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Natalie," the man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No, I must see Natalie," was the man's reply. Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out one thousand dollars, gave it to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row because of the high price. Again, the man pulled out a thousand dollars, gave it to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night, the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had stopped in for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. "No one has ever hired me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. The man replied, "South Carolina." "Really," she said. "I have family in South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
Q: What do women and tax forms have in common?
A: Men love to cheat on them.
"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?" "Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."
A man walks into a bar, sits down and notices a table of poker players. Surprisingly, one of them is a dog. The dog has poker chips in front of him and is holding cards. The man asks the bartender, "Is the dog any good?" The bartender replies, "No. Every time he gets a good hand, his tail wags."
Q: How do we know Michael Jackson is guilty?
A: Several children have fingered him.
A confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" she asks. "Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing underwear." The man explains, "Damn, this thing must be an hour fast."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drove in and came up to the porch. "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milk weed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?" "You don't get milk from milk weed!" the farmer replied. "Oh, yes," said the young man. "I have a degree in agriculture from Louisiana State University so I know all about it." "Well, help yourself," said the farmer. He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk. The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?" "You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer. Again the young man explained about his degree so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey. The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the creek." The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you."
Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands.
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his latex gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't," she replied. "Well," he kidded, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well. I tried," he thought. But five minutes later, during the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. The older woman said, "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
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