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Q: Why do people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older.
A: They're cramming for their finals.
An old man is having his medical checkup Then the doctor asked the old man, "Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." After examining his wife, an elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh, yes," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."
Q: What do you call a Coke bottle full of bees?
A: A redneck vibrator.
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
A man approaches a woman and says, "I'd really like to get into your pants." The woman replies, "No thanks, there's an ass in there already."
One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
Two guys are in a supermarket when their carts collide. Bob says, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says Joe. "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asks Bob. Joe replies, "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent backside. What does your wife look like?" "Never mind," says Bob, "let's look for yours!"
The seven-year-old told her mother that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing," said the little girl, "he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.
Three boys were sitting on a fence, talking. One says, "If you could have your body covered in anything, what would it be?" One boy answers, "Silver!" "Well, why?" "I could peel it off and buy that Honda over there," says the boy. The other boy answers, "Gold! I could peel it off and buy the BMW sitting over there." After a few seconds, one of the boys ask the first boy, "Well, what about you?" The first boy finally said, "Hair." The other two boys were confused. "Hair? Why hair?" "Well," the first boy answered, "My sister has a tiny little patch of hair, and she owns both of those cars!"
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they're practicing to be men.
TWO OLD FRIENDS
Two old friends bumped into each other in a restaurant. One asked, "Are you still seeing that girl Helen?" "Nah," said the other, "she bled to death from gonorrhea." The first guy said, "You don't bleed to death from gonorrhea." His friend replied, "You do if you give it to me."
A minister was seated next to a marine on a flight. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The marine asked for a whiskey and soda, which the flight attendant brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely groped by brazen harlots than let liquor touch my lips." The marine then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice."
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."
Q: How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A: When her favorite sexual position is "next door."
A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?"
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
A couple hasn't been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." You can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?" He says, "Why should I? You didn't use what I got you last year."
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