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Q: How many kids with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Let's go ride bikes!
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun. They just don't remember with whom.
A three-year-old boy was taking a bath. He was looking closely at his private parts and asked, "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother answered, "Not yet, honey."
A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything without success. One day, she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything." The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!
A doctor recently had a patient drop in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the doctor asked. The older gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, and I can hardly catch my breath. Doc, I'm scared!" The doctor, looking at his 86-year-old patient, said, "These sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?" The old guy's response was, "Well, three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
The recently married young woman was weeping and pouring out her heart to a marriage counselor. "Isn't there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?" The counselor scowled. "Well," he said, "maybe that's the problem. Your husband shouldn't have to wait in line!"
Q: What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?
A newspaper was doing a survey on sexual habits. One questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman, wearing a black suit, and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse. "Oh, about half a dozen times a year," said the gentleman. The questioner smiled, saying, "I thought you Italians were supposed to be sexy!" "We are," said the gentleman. "But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a 72-year-old priest with no car."
OUT THE WINDOW
Q: What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window?
WON'T DO ANY GOOD
A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?" "Okay, but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay, but it won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."
A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the narcotics."
TAKE IT EASY
A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband in bed with a lady midget. Upset and furious over his actions, the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago that you would never cheat on me again!" Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife and says, "Take it easy, dear, can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, that might be O.K. in California and Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that crap in Texas!"
Q: What do most blondes get on an I.Q. test?
THE THRILL IS GONE
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug. Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" "But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill. "Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!" said Doug. So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried thatit didn't work."
A man went into the doctor's office and had a full exam. Ten minutes after the exam the doctor returned and said, "Mr. Johnson, I have some good news and some bad news." The patient said, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor said, " Well, you've got a rare cancer and you have three weeks to live." The patient replied, " Well, Doc, that was kind of harsh, but what's the good news?" "Well Mr. Johnson, do you see that good-looking nurse over there?" the doctor said. "I'm sleeping with her."
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